Just Friends / Namjin

7.

Namjoon's POV

It's really frustrating when you know you want to be with that person but your fear takes over you and just controls you. That's what's happening with me and Jin. I know I want to be with him but I'm just afraid of judgement and just hurting him. It's kind of hypocritic of me since I have been for the last three days by not seeing him. I'm really so stupid.

Just be with him.

I really want to. I do. My doubt is just taking over me. It's overpowering me and I can't do anything to stop it. It's times like these where I wish I had supporting parents who would help me out and give me good advice or even a sibling who would understand me. Sadly I'm the only child with homophobic parents.

Maybe just maybe I can try to get them to understand. Maybe. Should I risk it? Risk losing that small bond with them? Who do I choose? Jin who I strongly love or my parents who I cherish from birth?

If they really loved you so much they would try to understand wouldn't they? Right?

"AISH!" I yelled punching the wall. It's just too much to handle. I'm going to break and no one will be here for me. No one.

I cried on the floor uncontrollably until my mom rushed into my room and gasped at the sight she was seeing. I hugged my knees to my chest and tried to make myself disappear but of course I couldn't do that.

"Hush honey. Tell me what's wrong whenever you're ready. I'm here" she spoke softly as she sat down and pulled me into her lap. She stroke my hair ever so gently and hummed a melody she use to sing to me when I was younger.

"Mom" I croaked out when she was finished.

"Yes dear?" she replied looking at my red puffy eyes. I could see a hint of sadness in them. I've never seen this side of my mother before. She would always keep up her motherly act and act cold like she held no emotion. There was times where she would smile and laugh but that was rare. It was beautiful when she did though. Maybe it's because my dad is always caught up with work and well we don't see him a lot. I would constantly leave home too to spend time with Jin, Taehyung, and Jungkook since I hated being alone. My mother would try to spark up a conversation with me but I wouldn't say much. It's not that I didn't love her but her stone cold expression just seemed like she didn't care at all. Even through all that we still managed to have fun once in awhile forgetting all our problems but lately she's been more distant. I always wondered why.

"Do you love me?" I asked as tears started to glisten my vision. She kissed both my eyelids and wiped the tears that fell from them.

"Of course I do hun. I know sometimes I don't show it that much but I really try. I try for you. Especially for you. You are my sunshine Namjoon. My precious ray of sunshine. You bring a sense of light to my dull world. Times are tough right now and when they are I look to you. Your bright dimpled smile lightens up the world; my world. Please don't cry baby. Smile for me."

I hid my red face in her lap but smiled big for her.

"But what about dad? Isn't he the one that's suppose to bring light to your world?" I told her confusion spread all over my face. She sighed deeply breaking the eye contact we had. I then heard her sobs behind me and hot wet tears hit my shoulder. It was then my turn to pull her in my lap and stroke her hair.

"I don't feel it anymore. I try and try for us not to fall apart but he's not even trying at all. I'm done being left with nothing. Sometimes I even want to end my life because this isn't the life that I wanted. Most of the time I didn't even agree with your father but I did it anyways to save our marriage. He's the type of man who wants everything to go his way. In the beginning it was love. It really was. Then money overtook him. He stopped paying attention to you and I. Each night he would tell me the same thing. "Work was tiring. Night love you." he then give me a kiss on the cheek and go to bed as if I was nothing. I felt empty. I felt as if I was a toy. Only there to entertain him for awhile then he would go find something else to play with. I wouldn't even be surprised if he's seeing someone behind my back."