"this has to stop. i cant do this anymore. for good this time"
i laughed, knowing youve said this 20 times before, and yet here we are.
but this time you didnt smile back. your eyes went dull and you kept looking past my shoulder.
my hand moved out of my pocket and reached for yours, but you knew what was going to happen if i touched you. youd cave in, and in 2.5 seconds we'd be connected. so you backed away, shaking your head a little too slow.
i couldnt cry here. now. the day before my birthday. in front of you.
i refused.
so i did what i did best.
i smiled the best smile i could, and sat down.
you fell for it. everyone always does. does anybody see through these glass eyes and shaky breaths?
i picked up my phone, and laughed at every video i watched on instagram, you not knowing that those giggles were forced. i silently prayed that the illumination from my little screen didnt emphasize the tears forming in my eyes.
5 minutes.
10 minutes.
15.
20.
not a word was said for 20 minutes.
you were maybe 2 feet away from me.
i could easily beg for you to touch me one last time. one last time.
i knew youd be gone for months after tonight.
instead, i kept my emotions bubbled, and acted like i was happy this was over. although, inside, i was angry. at myself for ever loving you, and at you for not loving me.
my screen froze. flashing colors from the screen turned my dark room into a colorful parade.
"what the fuck? why isnt my stupid phone fucking working. i hate this stupid thing." i choked on the word hate, as if it was being shoved down my throat.
i flung it across the room and watched it hit the wall and fall limply to the floor.
you turned towards me cautiously, knowing i was viscous at times like these.
"what are you doing?"
you were the one reaching for my hand this time, and i didn't stop you.
i shouldve.
"im just mad at my phone. i, uh, was in the middle of a text." i kept my eyes locked on the words scribbled onto the case of my phone. Stay Alive |-/
we were quiet for a while, sitting in this same position. hands interlocked, and facing each other. he was glancing down. i was looking past his shoulder, wishing i had my phone in my hands so that i could avoid feeling his warmth.
5.
10.
"whats wrong?"
whats wrong? whats . wrong. what is wrong? i dont know, maybe the fact that im falling for you. or, maybe the fact youre in love with her and i have to hear you whisper her name when you cry. i dont know what is wrong, much less what is right.
"nothing is wrong. everything is right, and im okay."
of course, you see straight past that.
"is this about us?"
us? oh, fucking burn in hell. there is no us. there is a me, and a you. choke on that, asshole.
instead, i shook my head and shoved my head in between my shaking knees.
one of your, both free, hands traced my ankle. the other one was weaving its way through my messy hair.
you know that i love that.
why are you doing this to me?
"what time is it?" my voice was barely at the volume of comprehension. no more, no less.
both of your hands pulled away, as if you felt my anger as heat, and it was melting your skin.
"9:50."
"what? you were supposed to be gone almost 2 hours ago."
i started rolling the legs of my jeans back down, but froze when your fingers started reaching for mine again. i didn't stop you. why didnt i stop you?
"i dont have to leave yet."
did you mean that it didnt matter if you stayed, or were you asking if you could stay?
either way i wasnt letting you walk out of this house just yet.
"im going to ask you this one more time."
i melted right in front of you. my mind turned to mush and my heart fluttered in my chest, trying to escape. i knew what was coming.
"is this about us?"
my neck twitched. i shouldve said no.
"i-uh. im jus-uh. i dont know what this is about, really."
nice going, that took you about 10 minutes to say.
my eyes were fixed on his shoes, but they slowly rose. over his jeans, over his belt, and over his jacket. finally, they reached his face.
i kept opening my mouth, trying to force out words that werent formed yet.
"do you want me to leave?"
no. no no no. please stay with me. wrap your arms around me, please im begging you. i want to kiss your face one last time. ill do anything. please. please.
instead: "i dont know what i want."
maybe you knew i wanted you to stay, and thats why you left. maybe you wanted to crush me. i dont know, and i never will.
"yeah, i should go."
i was screaming inside. my vocal cords were no longer vibrating. i wanted them to, i wanted to tell you that i loved you. to not leave, but to stay here and forget about her. maybe it was best i let you leave. maybe itll kill me in due time.
"want me to close the door on the way out?"
please dont leave me. i might not have the power to keep myself alive if you leave. please. love me, please.
fuck, maybe i shouldve just nodded. but, then again, i have to give myself credit. i came up with these words pretty damn fast.
"just so you know, this was about us. what a funny word: us. yeah, close the door on your way out."
stunned, you couldnt move. stuck between wanting me, and wanting to be free.
i guess freedom came before me, huh?
