I never thought I would miss you like this. I keep having dreams of you, vivid ones. Dreams that stick to me like glue and God do I wish I was rubber. You always do the same thing, always in the same dream. You come to me and let me know that you still love me. And I always say the same thing, "How dare you break my heart and give up on me and then come try to fix me." You always cry and I always break. Waking up, I realize that it's just a dream, but I get ahead of myself and think that us breaking up was a dream, too. I sit up for a couple minutes and let everything settle, my mind, my shaking, my tears, my hopeless gasps for breath. It always take a few minutes for me to realize that you're gone and it takes a few more for me to convince myself that texting you is not an option. I lay back down, always holding the stuffed animal you gave me for homecoming. Although, I haven't been sleeping with it lately. It's somewhere tucked behind my mirror like the rest of our memories.
Saturdays are always the worst. I used to wake up and immediately get giggly. Saturdays were our days when they weren't filled with a competition during marching season. I would wake up and text you, "I'll see you when?" We would count down the hours, texting each other back and forth, "Three more hours." "Two more hours." "One more hour." We wouldn't even talk about anything else because we had been saving conversations all week for this one day.
My brother has a million friends so I learned how to not get excited every time there was a knock at the door, but to get excited when I saw your face as the door was opened. We laughed in the living room with all the boys that practically lived here and then made our way to my room. That room was our safe haven. We spent hours at school each day dealing with bullshit and all sorts of problems, but as soon as we stepped foot in that room, everything was lifted. We laughed harder than we had laughed all week and we smiled until our cheeks were numb. You made me feel special in that room, on that bed. Before you, I cringed at the thought of doing anything with a boy. But, for some reason, my heart was telling me it was okay. You kissed all of my ugly parts and you touched my scars like they were the most beautiful thing you had ever laid your eyes on. You made my heart flutter and my stomach flip. I touched parts of you that would've made me throw up not even a year earlier. But, I was drawn to you. I was addicted to you. I was high on love and you were high on me. You wrestled me to the ground and kissed my forehead softly. You played with my hair while I slept on your chest. You made sure I was comfortable with everything you were doing. You were everything that a girl could ask for.
I guess we just didn't notice all of the ugly.
My best friend was slipping from my grip.
My lover was falling out of love.
My life was crumbling like ashes.
But I was so high on the good that the bad never showed.
And I guess the same thing was happening to you.
One day, you woke up and you didn't want to be with me anymore.
One day, you woke up and had no desire for me anymore.
One day,
you woke up and thought, "She isn't what I want anymore."
How the hell could you do that?
How could you just wake up and not love me after everything we went through?
I fucking hate you and I hate this bed that I gave myself to you on. I fucking hate you and this stupid house that I kissed you in. I fucking hate you and this stupid town that I recklessly fell in love with you in. I fucking hate you and that stupid school that I showed you off in. I hate you I hate you I hate you.
But
I love you.
And I will never stop loving you.
If you ever catch yourself missing home, I'm right here.
If you ever catch yourself regretting everything, I'm still here.
If you need a shoulder to lean on, I will always be free.
Because, even though you fell out of love, I grabbed on to the edge of the cliff and pulled myself back up.
I just couldn't save you.
