if you were to die, id spend every day and every night screaming for you to come back. my stomach would flip and turn until i puke out everything. my cheeks would be tattooed with my tears and the kisses you once gave me there. id blame everyone around me because i would never be able to take the blame for your death, even though i couldve done something.
your friends would walk into their house, expecting a loving welcome from their parent/s and see them crying or gasping for air. theyll sit down and ask whats going on, only to hear sob filled words. theyll know, deep down, what happened. theyll know something happened to someone they love, and youd be the last person theyd expect to kill themselves. you were so happy, always making them laugh. theyll hear your name and something about hospital or funeral and nothing will feel real. most of them, will cry and text or call you, praying youll answer and itll just be a sick fucking joke. but you wont answer, so they stare at the wall and wish they wouldve laughed with you or smiled at your joke that one time. theyll pray to a God they dont believe in because they would do anything to hear your voice one. last. time. theyll walk through the hallways and maybe start a group with your other friends and talk about the memories they shared with you. theyll talk about how horribly sick they feel and know your parents and your girlfriend feel 20× worse. after a while, theyll notice their lives arent as colorful. some may hurt themselves in ways you dont want to imagine.
your dad would try his best to keep the family held together but without his son, he cant go to work without crying. he'll go home and walk in your room, hoping youre in your bed rather than in the ground. he'll talk to your mom and hold her tightly as she talks to you, the now non-existant you. he wont shed a tear in front of anyone because if he cries then your mom will have nobody to lean on for support, and your siblings will cry even harder. but when hes alone, he cries harder than he has ever cried in his whole life.
your mom would walk around the house and see a drawing you drew when you were little and cry. she'll wash the clothes and see your favorite shirt and cry again. she'll make your favorite dinner even though she hated how long it took to make and cry some more. she'll see your little sister sitting on your bed crying quietly and when she asks, "where did bubba go?", she'll cuddle with her in your bed and tell her youre in a much better place. your mom would walk into your brothers room and see him sitting on the ground staring at a wall. she wont bother him, though. nobody could be able to comfort him because losing you was like him losing a part of himself.
the teachers who liked you would hear the news in a meeting and choke on air. how could such a smart and precious soul take their life? theyll sit in bed at night and talk to their spouse about how good of a student and friend you were to others. theyll walk to class and break the news to the kids, and some of them who didnt know you will comfort the kids who did. their classes will never be the same because you always made them laugh and now they cant even smile.
the teachers who didnt like you would hear the news in the meeting and their heart would skip a beat. theyll wish they wouldve never been so hard on you. theyll wish they wouldve asked you if you were okay more often. but now, they have to teach the classroom full of mourning kids and stare at your empty chair.
my friends who didnt really know you would try and comfort me in class but seeing your empty chair would only make me cry and id leave school at lunch like i did the day before that. and the one before that. and the one before that. id sit in the car and listen to songs that remind me of you and sing them so loudly in hopes i could maybe drown out the screams in my head. when i get home, ill pass on the lunch my mom made and sit on my bed clinging to your jacket and sobbing into the pillow your head once rested on. before my mom walks into my room, she'll take a deep breath and hope im still alive when she walks in there. when she offers dinner, ill kindly pass and try to sleep again. when im getting ready for school, she'll notice new scars and beg me to stop. when she looks into my eyes and sees that theyre paler than usual, she'll drop to her knees and ask me if i want help from a therapist. ill say yes and when i talk to one, i can ask them to give me medication strong enough to knock me out. i cant stay awake any longer. ill think about all the ways i can kill myself without pain and change my mind when i know thats not what you would want.
my dad would try and make me laugh with a stupid joke but it would only remind me of the ones you told me and i would scream and run to the restroom and puke (for the 10th time that day.) my brother would try and make me smile by playing games with him, but holding that stupid fucking controller would remind me of the time you kept blowing yourself up on the game, and it would make me laugh so hard i was doubled over and breathless, so ill drop the controller and run to my room and beg and pray and scream for you to come back. my sister would try and feed me or sleep with me so i dont have nightmares but her soft voice would only remind me of how soft your voice was when you whispered "i love you" and how soft your kisses were on my forehead when i was asleep on your chest. so, ill kick her out of my room and tell her to stay out forever and 3 hours later she'll try all over again. sooner or later ill let her help me.
every night ill write in my journal about how much i miss you and how much i love you and ill rip the page/s out and burn them with my lighter at 5am.
every morning ill wake up not being able to breathe because i had another dream of you and ill ask you why you left. you promised me that we would travel together. you promised me that you would live with me and make me happier than ive ever been. you promised me that i would wake up with you kissing my cheeks. you fucking promised. you p.r.o.m.i.s.e.d. for fucks sake.
without you to stop me, ill start doing drugs that will destroy me. maybe ill die, maybe ill get caught and get thrown in jail, or maybe ill stop and gain the weight i lost from the lack of food and the constant drugs. you were the only drug i needed and wanted, so without you ill find another drug to replace you. but no drug could make me higher than your love could make me.
you promised...
~
dont tell me that nobody would care if you were to die because thats a fucking lie. i would care, and so would everyone else.
if you cant stay alive for you, do it for me.
i love you.
