If Only...

Chapter 1: Saying Goodbye

I blinked once. Twice. Three times.

Ah, hell.

I couldn't think of anything else to do besides idiotically blink and count all the times he shifted his eyes from the left to the right until they returned to my fixed gaze.

His fierce emerald eyes flicked from my fiddling thumbs (which I hadn't realized until well, now, were obsessively scratching at my chipped pink nail polish) and then focused his attention back to me.

I was listening to the words spill from his lips and even though I was hearing it, my brain didn't process it well enough to respond. So when he finally stopped speaking, he waited for my reply and all I could do was...

Blink.

"Lennox," he added with a sigh grabbing a chunk of hair that rested on my cheek and twirling it around his index finger.

"Okay," I mumbled taking back the curly strand he wrapped around his finger. I tightened the grip of my environmental science textbook and turned my back on him walking through the doorway as fast as I could.

I could feel my eyes water but I didn't feel sad. I wasn't angry. I wasn't upset. All I truly thought about was the pile of calc homework I hadn't done. It didn't even cross my mind that he just...

He just dumped me.

I stopped dead in my tracks and swiveled back on my heels to find him already standing there.

His light tinted brunette hair hung over his left eye and I tensed my palms against my textbook to keep from the urge of pushing the loose strands away from his pretty green eyes.

"You can't do that," I narrowed my eyes and looked up at him.

I turned to exit his dorm for another time but was halted by his palm smacking the door back shut, his arm just above my head and eyes peering down at me again.

"Did you really think we could keep this going for so long?" he whispered so softly his words were barely audible through a hesitant breath.

I threw my backpack down and pulled his face closer to mine before crushing my lips against his. His first reaction was to return the affection, with one hand against the nape of my neck, our kiss was cut short by his shaking head.

"Stop," he muttered lightly pushing my shoulder away from him.

Enraged, I sunk my teeth into my bottom lip and clenched my fists around the front of his t-shirt.

As I glared up into his green hues I was taken aback flooded by all the memories we shared.

The memories that will now and forever just be memories and nothing more. Because the best relationship I've ever had and the longest love I've ever felt for anyone had been washed away with each syllable that escaped his soft pink lips.

"It's been four years, Louis," I whispered as I slowly unclenched my grip on his navy blue tee, "I didn't realize you were looking forward to our expiration date."

He ran a hand through his fringe and sighed, kissing my forehead lightly and stepping back to look me down in the eyes, "I did love you, Lennox. But this is university. It's not like high school anymore."

I hated how he was looking at me. The gestures he used as he spoke to me made me feel like I was a ten year old kid getting lectured on why I can't use training wheels anymore.

Love isn't a light switch. How did he step into UWE and suddenly decide 'Oh hey I don't love Lennox anymore.'

"Bullshit," I yelled square in his face. Tiptoes and everything I screamed it into his face and almost smirked at the way his eyes grew wide and his parted lips mimicked the element of surprise just as I intended to.

I grabbed my stuff and stormed out his room not even stopping to greet back the cheery hellos that were called to me.

I wasn't even mad that he dumped me.

I was mad that I didn't do it first.

I was mad that I wasted four years on him.

I was mad that he won.

With the adrenaline of rage gnawing at my veins, I desperately fiddled with the zipper on my backpack tugging it open aggressively as I stepped into the vacant parking lot.

I pawed through my pencils and highlighters until my fingertips brushed over the box I was yearning for.

I flipped open the Marlboro pack and pulled out a fresh cigarette.

"Dammit," I said aloud throwing my head back against the wall I was leaning against.

"My best-friend-needs-me-asap radar was ringing louder than ol' Bessie on the Fourth of July," Drew grinned as she flicked on the lighter holding it up to the end of my cigarette.

I smiled and mumbled a thanks before inhaling a drag and shutting my eyes exhaling the smoke. I imagined the smoke releasing from my body just like the hurt of Louis's sudden breakup.

Drew watched me wide-eyed with a hand covering over her mouth and nostrils. She was an overly-animated girl from underground Oklahoma and everything about her was country. She also really hated my habit of smoking. She always complained I was second-handly killing her while I was causing my own lungs to fail.

I rolled my eyes and aimed my smoke rings to the other direction.

With a final sucked in breath I tossed the cigarette on the floor, using the tip of my doc martens to crush the bud and walked back into the dorm flooded with questions from Drew trailing behind me.

"Tell me what happened," my green eyed bumpkin best friend chirped at me.