If Only...

Chapter 5: Shrink Me

He walked straight toward me closing all space between us.

I took a step back.

He closed the space.

I took another step back.

He closed the space.

This kept going until my back was fully pressed against the wall behind me. Louis's arm stretched out above my head, palm forward on the wall. Our foreheads brushing with each breath I took.

"You want me," he seductively whispered, his words swirling around the edge of my nose, "You miss me."

I do. I do. I do.

"As if," I mocked in the perfect imitation of my favorite 90s actor. Some said I lived through her, but I just really liked the idea of her being my alter ego. You could even catch me occasionally calling someone a Baldwin.

"Say you want me. I know you still want to be my girl," his voice was still husky and tickling my skin.

I rolled my eyes, "Ooh can't handle me not loving you? Can't stand the fact that I might be okay. Even possibly better off without you?"

His eyes flicked away and narrowed at the sight of my smirk.

"You can't stand commitment, Louis. It scares the shit out of you."

We were nose to nose now.

"Shrink me," he exhaled.

Shrink Me was a game Louis and I created about three years into our relationship around the time we both decided psychology became both our passions.

Basically when we get all worked up over an issue or heated up in an argument, one of us would monotously respond with shrink me and dig up each others psychological roots and devise little solutions and then smile and eskimo kiss and hold hands and...

Ugh.

"How far should I go?" I wiggled a cynical brow.

"Your best," he said with a wink.

I thought back to our second anniversary. A sobbing Louis was head first in my lap wincing and cracking words between his muffled cries.

His sister had finally called.

"You fear commitment because you fear rejection. You were 6 years old when your mum left. She never spoke a word to you and your sister blamed you for her behavior. She said you ruined everything. Your mum walked out on you and your sister followed. They didn't call. They didn't shed a single tear, but you were abandoned. You don't trust women. You think they're all going to leave you. So you leave them first, but you still can't stand the fact that they might move on. You want to be missed. Wanted. Loved. You can't bear to relive that childhood pain," the words blurted out of me trembling into the air as if I'd recited the whole bit.

The words rattled between the space between us and shot like a thousand little knives into Louis's eyes that dimmed to a navy colour glittering away his usual aquamarine eyes.

"You're just as scared as I am!" He shot back, voice suddenly so small and child-like I couldn't even respond to the change.

I didn't want him to shrink me. Louis knows all my secrets. I know what he can and can't hold against me. I know why I am the way I am. I don't want him to remind me.

Please don't remind me.

"You've never even had a mum."

He reminded me.

"Or a real dad for that matter," He continued.

That triggered something. My temper boiled as I immediately switched into defense mode, "My dads are just as much my parents as anybody else's. They're real people. They are my real dads."