If Only...

Chapter 13: Breathe

I realized that ever since the break up, I've only reminisced the good memories of Louis and I hadn't once reminded myself of all the bad.

Dad was making us tea, readying himself to finally tell all I wanted to know on the who's what's and why's.

I was sitting on the cream sofa preparing myself for what I know I didn't want to hear.

I wondered how Dad came to shut out all the good of Landon and remember the bad. Or if he has yet to?

It's crazy how it's human nature to think we're invincible. To empower ourselves so heavily that we forget how truly fragile we are. And all it takes is one thing to happen to tip us over the edge.

That's how I feel right now. Like I'm on a cliff surrounded by constantly rising water. Should I jump or wait to be drowned by the swampy water pushing down on me from all sides.

The tides are too high and the more I struggle the more disorientated I felt.

The crashing waves enveloped the pain of my life. All I was so familiar with was now strange and anomalous. On one hand I had a broken heart stringed along with broken trust and on the other a broken family that I still wasn't aware how it came to be.

Nothing made sense anymore.

I couldn't find any leverage and for all I knew, I was pushing myself farther down.

My lungs burned for more air that is normal. I want my old life back, I was tired of fighting the vicious ocean.

I wanted so badly to give up.

To let the darkness engulf me until I had nothing left in me to fight anymore.

To let the water take me.

Tearing me away from my thoughts was the sound of clanking china hitting the table top.

Lennox, your father cheated on me.

He was being blunt again leaving no time to build up and let things sink in. I wasn't given time to emotionally compose the wall around my feelings. Disposed from all mental provisions, I was hit left and right with woe.

He was unhappy. I couldn't please him, Lennox. Turns out we just weren't what we used to be. Nothing I could have done would have made him stay. He says we've grown out of each other.

"How did you know he was cheating?" It was all I could think about considering I too have been accused.

Oh, Lennox I don't want to drag you down with my pain. I don't want to share these things. But if you must know, I caught him.

He was trying to sound strong and inferior and shrug off the fact that it actually hasn't hurt him whatsoever. But I knew better and I saw it in his eyes.

I see the sadness in his eyes where are there no doubts or lies, they were the windows to his empty soul. They said everything you couldn't.

"I went to see him before I came here," I kept my voice low and spoke slowly to relay a sense of steadiness and cover the sob that begged to break out. It was like that of a calm sky before a storm of grief.

His eyebrows raised, his entire face a giant question mark.

"He was with another man. A man who had no idea I even existed and Landon couldn't even say my name." I was ready to crack but I stood strong for my Dads sake.

He didn't even flinch, but he also didn't utter another word.

I can't speak for Landon, my love. But I'm afraid he wants to continue his life he paused with or without us.