If Only...

Chapter 2: The Missing Key

I sighed wishing not to relive the fact that I had been dumped. For the first time, like ever. And the foreign feeling was enveloping faster than the sun into a black hole. Which was exactly how it felt. Like pieces of me were getting sucked into some dark new world and I had to keep walking around like everything was okay and I don't really care when the reality boils down to the complete opposite.

"Louis and I broke up," I exhaled out hoping it'd be enough for her to refrain from her continuous questioning.

It wasn't.

"Well how come!" she gasped gripping my shoulders and staring at me hysterically.

Annoyed at her big scene, I rolled my eyes and shrugged while wiggling out of her hands and maneuvering under her tall frame.

"Lennox Olivia Pennington, I am speaking to you!" She blocked my way from passing through the hall and with a couple of rude, but appreciatively witty comments from bystanders wishing to pass through, she finally let down her blockade but proceeded to stare me down. With her arms folded and nostrils flaring I heaved myself onto the couch lounge and caved.

"He said its different than high school, our relationship was puppy love. Nothing more," I shrugged again. My habit of the day, I suppose. I considered saying I was totally for the breakup, but that was a lie. Shrugging was an act of maybe not truth, but definitely not a lie.

"Wait he.. broke up with.. you?" She raised an eyebrow in surprise and I nodded avoiding her expression by looking overly interested at the chipping of my once glossy pink nail polish.

She didn't speak about it again.

As a matter of fact we kind of just sat there and watched the silent black screen of the television set.

"My sweet!" A voice beckoned behind me.

Before I could turn around, he was already in front of me following his daily routine of holding my hand up to his lips and planting a small kiss, "How is my love today?" he said in between parting his lips.

"Peachy," I grumbled a little more annoyingly than attended.

"She's a tad under the weather, Marcus. I ain't think now's the time," Drew suggested fiddling with the moonstone she wore around her neck.

I looked at Marcus. His worrisome face framed with concern.

I shrugged.

"What can I do?" He responded, shoving himself in between Drew and I.

Ready to burst, I leaped off the couch and ran up to my dorm. It took all but four seconds to hear Drews short exaggerated breaths dragging next to me.

"Give the bloke a break for Almighty's sake Len," she said with a look of disappointment.

I nodded and as I turned the key to our room I slipped in so slickly, she was only an inch away from entering when I slammed the door shut.

Marcus was the sweetest boy I'd ever met. He was the one stable part of my life. I unintentionally entitled him as my fallout boy. He's never had a girlfriend. He was too busy being in love with me.

And I, too busy being in love with the fact of being in love but never letting my walls down.

I grazed my fingers over my bookshelf, the stack of John Green books I always borrowed from Riley caught my eye.

I flipped through "The Fault in our Stars" blinking through all the highlighted sentences and the post it notes she scribbled her thoughts on throughout the novel.

It's like borrowing her books brought to it a little bit more value. It wasn't just a book with her, it was an intellectual diary.

I set the book down and scrolled through my entire collection of psychology books and behavioral observation novels.

I always thought if I learned enough, I could figure myself out, too. I would have some major epiphany of why I live the way I live and miraculously discover the right way to behave to get the most out of life.

But I couldn't be my own psychologist.

Ven Yeshe said if you don't know the method, you can't put them into your own experience; you have to have the key.

I haven't found the key.