Intoxication Paranoia And A Lot Of Fame.

Chapter 11.

Again, sorry for not updating much! It's really hard getting internet, but I move out on Monday, which means I'll hopefully have internet again really quickly.

Kellin’s POV.

“Kellin.”

I stared down at the glass in my hand, half filled up with vodka. I was trying to drown whatever feelings I had by drinking alone, but it wasn’t working. I didn’t feel the effect the slightest bit. The thoughts running through my head just wouldn’t stop, my heart wouldn’t stop aching and it really hurt.

“Kellin!”

My eyes started to water, but I didn’t blink, I just kept staring at the glass in my hand. I could feel that my grip around it was really tight, but I couldn’t see a thing. Everything was blurry and I wish my head would be that way as well. I wish I’d just stop feeling.

“Kellin for fucks sake! Open the fucking door or I’ll fucking murder you!” Finally my brain decided to pay attention to the voice that had been yelling my name for a while. It felt like I got my head over water again after being under it for minutes. I blinked, rubbed my eyes and got up to answer the door. Outside was a really annoyed Justin, but his expression changed as soon as he saw me. “Holy shit, dude, what’s wrong?” he asked. I frowned, but then followed his gaze and looked down at myself. I hadn’t even bothered wearing normal clothes; I had just thrown on something in a hurry: a baggy, old t-shirt and sweatpants.

He didn’t wait for an answer and pushed past me, walking directly into my house without asking for permission. It didn’t bother me, but I sighed deeply as I wasn’t exactly in the mood for company. Unless he was up for drinking his feelings away with me. I looked down at the glass that was still in my hand and I was about to take a sip, before Justin snatched it out of my hand. “Hey!” I protested, but he just went into the kitchen to pour it out into the sink.

“This isn’t the solution, Kells,” he said, as if he knew what was wrong. I was wrong. My feelings were wrong. I knew they were there; I just refused to accept them. I pressed my hand against my forehead and sighed deeply once again. “The only solution is to let yourself feel and you know that,” Justin then said, which made me frown at him. How could he possibly know?

“Well, it’s obvious that you’re trying to suppress some feelings. You never drink alone in the middle of the day and you never look like shit. You should see your hair, but I bet you haven’t looked in a mirror for days,” he then said, as though he could read my thoughts. My hand flew up to touch my hair; it really did feel messy, but I didn’t care. It wasn’t like me, I knew that.

Justin shook his head slightly. “It’s alright if you don’t wanna tell me about it. All I need from you is that you pull yourself together,” he said. I just nodded, even though both he and I knew I wouldn’t exactly do that straight away. “Is it a girl?” Justin then asked curiously. I felt my eyes tear up as I knew I couldn’t lie to him. But I really didn’t want to tell him what it really was. Slowly I shook my head and bit my lip hard. He did seem to catch that I wasn’t comfortable talking about it, so he just looked at the glass that had my alcohol in it before, sighed deeply and grabbed it.

“You know what; it might not be the solution in the long run, but hell, it might be right now,” he said dramatically and handed me the glass, before grabbing one for himself, including the bottle of vodka. We sat down in my living room on the couch, silently drinking. I was drinking away my feelings and he was just being a good friend.

I started to feel more and more numb and my thoughts finally disappeared. Everything became blurry and it didn’t help to rub my eyes. I was definitely drunk.

“Getting there?” Justin asked with a slurred voice. I nodded, which made the room spin slightly. A small smile played on my lips and I felt happiness float through my veins. Finally.

Justin gulped down the rest of his drink and poured the rest of the vodka into our glasses. “Cheers!” he said a bit too loudly, before hitting his glass against mine, grinning widely and then taking a sip. I took a sip as well and leaned back in the couch, satisfied.

“You know, I should just tell you about all this shit that’s going on with me,” I said, after a bit of silence where we were both just drinking. Justin raised his brow and looked like he was about to say something, but then it seemed like he just gave up.

“I have.. Feelings for someone. But it’s not the usual stupid crush. I really have feelings for that person. They’re always in my thoughts, day and night, all the time. Except when I drink,” I told him, and lifted my glass. He frowned a bit. “I think I’m about to fall head over heels in love and that’s really bad, Justin. It’s just so wrong. Because.. Because it’s not normal. Not to me. It’s alright if other people do it, but not me. I’m not like that. Yet I have these feelings,” I mumbled. Justin looked rather confused, not having any clue what I was on about.

I shook my head with a deep sigh. I knew I’d curse myself for telling him later. “Vic,” I just said which only made Justin even more confused. “Vic? What about him?” he asked, looking around in the room, almost as if he expected Vic to just be standing in the middle of my living room. “I have feelings for Vic, Justin,” I told him, closing my eyes. He didn’t say anything; he didn’t move away from me in disgust, he didn’t do anything at all.

After a while in silence, I opened my eyes again, since I was too curious to keep them closed. Why didn’t he react? I dropped my jaw as I found out why. He was smiling. Just sitting there, smiling widely at me. He slowly started to shake his head. “Kells,” he just said and then started to laugh. Oh. So he thought it was a joke. Lovely.

“No, Justin, I’m serious, this is not a joke,” I said, a bit annoyed with him. I finished my drink and started to consider throwing him out. “Oh I know it’s not a joke,” he then said, which took me by surprise. “What?” I asked, frowning at him. He was still smiling like a maniac. “I already knew about it. I of course didn’t think I was right, but don’t think I haven’t noticed how you two act around each other,” he said, sounding well amused. I demanded an explanation. “You see, in the beginning you too seemed really fond of each other. But after that party at Tony’s house weeks ago, something changed between you; Vic started acting different around you. You were confused. Then you slept with that Linda girl, which was quite weird, seeing as you’re usually not the type to sleep around. Things really changed between you, then; Vic got really mad. You were even more confused. And when it was Vic’s turn to sleep around with a random guy, you got really sad and disappointed. I didn’t put it all together, but now it all makes sense!” Justin said, almost yelling the last bit.

I stared blankly at him, my drunken brain trying to process everything he just said. So he knew. But he didn’t know. How odd.

“I don’t know what to do, Justin,” I then said with a deep sigh. We were completely out of vodka and I knew I’d start to sober up in a few hours, which I didn’t want to. “Well, I can’t tell you that, Kells,” he said and leaned back in the couch as well. I sighed deeply and closed my eyes, feeling really tired all of a sudden. “Can’t you, like, at least give me some advice or something?” I asked.

He was quiet for a bit, probably thinking about what he should say to me. “Besides all the cheesy obvious advice, all I can tell you to do is stop hiding your feelings. If you don’t want to act out on them, fine, just accept them, let them be and don’t do anything. But if you do wanna act out on them, if you want to be with Vic, you really should do that. There’s nothing wrong about it, Kells, and we’ll only support you,” he said, to which I nodded. I knew they’d always be by my side, no matter what.

“I just.. I don’t know if I wanna be with him or not,” I mumbled, opening my eyes to look at him. He then shrugged. “You have to figure that out, first of all,” he said and I nodded again, leaning my head back until it hit the backrest of the couch. Everything was too confusing.