Blend (Kellic)

Chapter 12

His funeral was bland. Few people came: of course Alan and I, his siblings, his roommate, and a few other random people I never met. His parents didn't show up, and that kind of pissed me off, because they of all people should have showed up.

I still felt numb, like this was all an unrealistic dream. I felt like none of this was happening even though my brain knew it was, my heart didn't though. My heart thought this was all a joke that it could laugh off.

By the time I made it home, I was worn out. I had only been out for a few hours, but my mind was starting to catch up with the rest of my body. Jesse's in jail. I can relax now though, so I do; I lay on the couch with my head propped up on the arm rest, while watching reruns of TV shows.

It was only a matter of time before my heart would totally shatter and I'd begin to cry. So finally I let go as the reality of never being able to see Justin's face in person, up close and personal smacked me in the face.

My eyelashes let a single tear slip past them. My breathing shortened to quick silent sobs. Justin is gone. He's gone forever and I can't have him back. The tears flow faster and heavier, starting from my eyes all the way down to my chin. I stand up and pace the living room area, yanking and pulling out my hair. I start to hyperventilate from all the crying I'm doing, but I don't stop any time soon.

I don't know what to do, so in my panicked state, I picked up my phone. I needed to call someone, anyone. I couldn't call Alan because his phone was still in the shop getting repaired. But the second person came to mind was Vic, so I dialed his number. The phone rang and while it did, I tried to take deep breaths to calm myself down. I didn't want to be choked up and sobbing if he answered the phone. I managed to keep my crying to a minimum by the third ring, and he answered on the fourth ring.

"Hello?" I heard the sweet angelic voice on the other line speak to me. His voice ringing in my ears was a simple switch to set off my tears again.

"Woah, woah, woah, Kellin, what's going on? Why are you crying?" I heard Vic's concerned voice ask me over my obnoxious crying.

"He's gone. He's gone! I can never have my best friend back again," I sobbed and hiccuped into the phone, voice inaudible. It was painful mentally and physically; a scar that would never go away without make up to cover it fully. But no matter what, it was always still going to be there, reminding me everyday he was gone and I was hurt over it. 

"Kellin, breathe. I can't understand you if you're crying so hard," Vic said trying to calm me down. I took long deep breathes, trying to control my crying. After minutes of this, I was finally calm enough for Vic to be able to understand what I was saying. 

"Okay, I'm going to ask again: What's going on and why were you crying?" he asked calmly. This time, I didn't choke up, and I answered him the best I could.

"I'm sorry, Vic. Its just that Justin being. . . gone forever hit me in a way I never thought imaginable. At first it felt like it was all fake and he would come to my house the next day and tell me it was a joke. But that didn't happen and it all hit me at once that justin is. . ." I trailed off. My tears started up again. Luckily, I didn't start to cry so hard that I had to calm myself down just to be able to  talk. This time, a few tears shed and all I did was wipe them from my already tear stained cheeks. I could hear Vic's breathing from the other line. I knew he was just there to listen to me, and of course he would because he's a good friend, but why did I call him? I could have easily calmed myself down enough to walk to Alan's house, but I didn't. Instead I called Vic. But why?

"I know you probably think I'm crazy for calling you and crying like a big baby," I said with a light-hearted laugh at the end of my sentence to lessen the tension floating around in the conversation.

"I don't think you're anything less then normal Kellin. Its okay to get choked up and hurt over this. We've all done it, its perfectly okay," he said calmly. He was so calm about everything that it made me question how long it took for him to master masking his emotions. But my emotions on the other hand, changed from sadness to anger in one quick second.

 "I'm just so mad right now! This is all Justin's fault! If he wasn't stupid and knew his place in the world, he would still be alive, but he isn't! And that's all on him. Now I hate him because I'm crying over him but he doesn't even deserve my tears," I exclaimed, angry tears slipping past my eyelashes. My breathing picked up and my face was hot.

"Kellin, calm down-" Vic started, but I cut him off in my angry state.

"Don't tell me to calm down! This is just the kind of thing I warned the idiot about. Prostitutes don't get chances like everyone else! They get raped, beaten, kicked out on the streets, and the worst part is that most of them don't even want to do what it is they do. But they do it anyways because they have no other way of life," I screamed. If I was any louder the police might show up at my door and I didn't want that to happen, so I willed my anger to suffice and regulate.

"If that's the case, why don't you stop? Why don't you help others to stop?" He asked.

"Its not as easy as it seems Vic," I spat out his name like it was poison, wiping the tears from my face. I wasn't crying anymore and the wetness on my face was bothering me.

"How did you end up getting yourself caught up in all this?" Vic asked.

"Because I'm addicted to sex. I was meant to do this job. Plus, I like money," I said like it was no big deal. And it really wasn't. I should be able to be who I want to without judgement.

"What about Justin?" Vic asked cautiously.

"He was born into the wrong family. His mother was a prostitute like him. And his father was a rich man who could care less," I said, "but that's besides the point. There was still no way either of us had a chance."

"Well, why not?" He asked. He was persistent in trying to prove something. I don't know what he was trying to prove, but he was going to get to the bottom of it.

"I mean, I maybe could have gone the other direction, but do you really expect more out of me? I mean, you don't really know me all that well, but based off of what you do know of me, can you really blame me?"

"Yes, I can blame you. Because it's your fault. Just like how you accused Justin of getting himself killed," he reiterated. Damn him. I hate his logic. I contradicted myself and he knew I was going to. He did this on purpose.

So that's what he was trying to prove: every action, mistake, and responsibility counts. It all adds up, and your decision has to be the right one. I thought back to the day Vic took me to the adoption center. The little boy who hugged me and told me things were rough for him popped up in my head. He was doing the right thing. So many kids there would be reluctant to even look my direction because they never quite felt at home. They didn't have a home, no real family, and they didn't trust many people, but that little boy was different. He saw hope in himself when no one else really did.

"Kellin. You still there?" Vic awkwardly chuckled.

"Yeah. . . I'm still here," I said hesitantly. I was still in shock.

We talked for hours more. He kept me calm. He kept me at peace. I only cried three short times, and that was when there was silence to remind me of why I was on the phone in the first place. I was going to miss Justin for all he's worth. But I had Alan and Vic to back me up at all times now.