Blend (Kellic)

Chapter 16

I was having such a peaceful day. With my phone turned off, I had so much time to myself to think about nothing in particular. I went out for a walk, talked to people at the indoor pool, and even had to turn down a few young girls who kept trying to hit on me. If it were any other day, I wouldn't have had a problem with it, but because of Vic, I was.

In the late afternoon, at around 2:30, I decided to go back to my hotel room. I wasn't tired, but I was getting hungry, so I was going to watch TV and relax while eating in my room. When I got there I ordered a Philly cheese steak sandwich from room service because why not, and turned on the TV, turning to a random comedy channel.

I don't know why, but all of a sudden my phone separation anxiety kicked in. I realized that something could be happening and I wouldn't have a clue as to what was going on. Alan could be dead. Justin could be alive. Anything could have happened. So I turned it back on.

Mistake number one.

I had sixty three missed calls from Vic, four voicemails from him, and also nineteen text messages. I clicked on the texts which mostly consisted of "Kellin where are you?" and "please answer me." The voicemails were all about a minute long each, so I listened to each of them.

4:10a.m. Kellin? Oh god Kellin. I know I messed up. I don't know how, but I always do. Maybe it was too soon to say that I liked you. Maybe it was just not meant to be. Oh goodness, now I'm just rambling on about nothing. But I need you to answer me, or text me back, or something. Because I don't- no I can't go the rest of the day thinking you hate me. I wouldn't be able to do it.

4:45a.m. I'm sorry, Kellin! It was a mistake. You left me alone and I'm drunk. I don't know where to go. They kicked me out of my own home but I didn't tell you that. Well until now, and now I'm sitting in my car in the parking lot of a run down Burger King. I wish you would pick up the phone.

His words were slurred, which lead me to believe that he bought more alcohol after I left, and drank it. He had to have been drinking and driving to end up at a Burger King in his own car. He could have gotten seriously injured, or even worse, died. What was I thinking? To just leave like that? I wasn't thinking, and that was a mistake. If he would have gotten hurt, I would have blamed it on myself. But I listened to the last two voicemails nonetheless.

5:16a.m. I'm a damn mess. You're a damn mess. Maybe we could have been messes together. Oh, that's right. You aren't here and you won't answer your phone. And even if you did you don't like me anyways. No one does.

He sounded bitter and hateful. I don't blame him, I'm not exactly my own favorite person in the world right now, either. He sounded like he was either about to cry, or he had already been crying. I couldn't tell. But the frustrated tears were present at one point in his drunk state, and I was the cause.

10:43a.m. Kellin. I'm so sorry. What ever I did I'm sorry. I take it back. I need you back in my life. Please answer me. I don't have anyone right now but you.

He sounded broken, his voice was quiet, and it was obvious he was crying as his voice cracked every other syllable. It hurt me to listen to his sorrowful voice. It was traumatizing to know I caused that for no particular reason. I just had to go and start drama for no reason. I don't ever want to do that in my life again. After the last two days, I realize that it isn't worth it. And neither is Vic.

Speaking of the devil, his name popped up on my screen, telling me he was calling me. I contemplated if I wanted to answer or not because I wasn't sure if I could face him just yet, but I didn't want to avoid him, so I answered it.

"Hello?"

"Kellin?"

"Yes?" He breathed a sigh of relief at this, but it was soon replaced with anger.

"Oh my god! I'm so mad at you right now! I've been scared and trying to call you! I was drunk and I didn't know where I was at one point and you freaked me out because I was drunk and I wanted to follow you but I couldn't because I was scared you would hate me so I got more alcohol and drank that! Then, I-" he rambled angrily.

"Vic!" I yelled over him so he would shut up. He kept quiet for a few seconds and all I heard was his heavy breathing, so I assumed it was okay for me to speak again, "shut up."

I didn't really know what I was going to say once I interrupted him. I knew he was upset, and I knew he was worried, but I wanted to try and sort this out in a normal, calm fashion, and I couldn't do that if he was mindlessly talking at a million miles per hour. So shut up, seemed appropriate.

"You have been ignoring me," he stated.

"I've been avoiding myself," I countered.

"Bullshit. I don't have time for lies. Where are you, Kellin?" He said aggressively. Okay yeah, I can see why he's pissed. After all this ignoring and avoiding him, the first thing I said to him was his name and to shut up.

"No I meant that Vic. I know what I did was wrong," I said.

"Are you sure about that? And where are you?" He asked. I ignored the second question again. I didn't want to tell him where I was just yet.

"Yes. I just- its hard for me too you know?" I questioned hoping he would understand.

"Yeah, okay," he said sarcastically. I knew he wasn't buying it.

"Where are you," he asked again. This time I sighed. I knew he wasn't going to give up.

"Why do you care?" I asked. "Aren't you mad at me. Don't you hate me?"

"Kellin, no. Just because you made a mistake doesn't mean I like you any less. Yes, I'm upset, but I want to talk to you," he said. His voice was significantly softer then before.

"I'm at a Hilton Hotel. I'll text you the address," I said. I didn't want to face him just yet, but luckily Gee drove me far away from the city, so I had a few hours before Vic would even be here to talk with me.

"Okay, I'm leaving to come get you right now," he said.

"Okay good bye," I said. He said his goodbyes and we hung up. I text him the address of the hotel I was in. Now it's time to rehearse what I'm going to say to him.

Well I know that I don't hate him, and I knew that he had a special place in my life, I just don't know what it is just yet. He's so new to me and there's so much mute to him that I don't know, that I can't just fit him into a specific role in my life. It takes a lot to even become a friend of mine. It took me three while nights of sleeping with Justin for me to realize that we could probably be nothing but friends. Did we mess around sometimes after I realized this? Yeah we did, but he was still one of my best friends.

And Vic: he just worked his way into my life like nothing ever happened. We never hooked up, we've never kissed, I don't even think I've had an over sexualized thought about him. I called him a friend faster then I did anyone else, and I guess I am close to him. But what do I say to him?

I could say: I'm not into you. But then I'd be lying.

I could say: I'm not looking for a relationship right now. But then I'd be lying again.

I could also say: I don't really have a future and I don't want to bring you down. Which is true, but I don't want to say that to him.
This is frustrating. I don't want to upset him and lose him, but I'm not good enough for him. There's so much more to me then the face I put on. Not even Alan knows everything about me. I've been keeping it a secret for a while now. But at this point, my little secret is going to get out, and it's all going to be known to Vic.