Finding The Other Half

Chapter - 13: Cuts and Nightmares

*Warning: The scene ahead contains a detailed self harming scene. Please do not read it if you are likely to be triggered. I'll write a short summary of this chapter at the start of the next one.

Jade's P.O.V.:

My college reopens tomorrow. Zayna was declared comatose on 26th December. It was due to excessive bleeding resulting in reduced oxygen supply to her brain. The cuts she made were parallel to her arm due to which her blood vessels were longitudinally sliced causing major complications as the doctors found it extremely difficult to stitch them up.

Conclusion: My best friend, My home girl, My Zayna may not ever wake up and batch about life to me again.

Well, it's not like I always listened to her or answered her call. She might have been conscious right now if I did. But she also wouldn't want to me hold on. But what am I supposed to do?

Oh, wait. I already did some shit just to calm me down. I don't know why. I took a razor blade which is kept in the mirror cabinet above the sink in my bathroom. I slump down near the sink. I would rather have some physical pain than this mental torture. Tears are rolling down my neutral face, my hands are on vibration mode. I am not afraid of ending up like Zayna. I don't really care about it anyway. What's the worst that can happen?

First cut across my left wrist, doesn't hurt.
Second cut across my mid left forearm, still doesn't hurt.
Third cut near the inside of my left elbow, still doesn't fucking hurt.
I continue this at least 10 more times till it finally starts hurting.
The mental torture is long gone, it just the painful numbness. I guess it will pass soon. I just sit there, sobbing silently, and making sure that my clothes don't get blood stained. I sit there like that for 15 more minutes then I start cleaning up. I can't let anyone see my arm. I don't want the sympathetic smiles or anything of that sort. Sympathetic? Hah, more like simply pathetic. I don't need any attention, just some distraction. I know I won't die, my cuts are not that deep nor have I slit parallel to my arm. I just keep washing off the blood and watch it flow down the sink till the bleeding stops. Then I clean it up with some antiseptic solution and apply some ointment.
I don't wanna look at myself in the mirror because I know what I'll see.
I'll see a 16 year's old girl who failed. Failed as a friend, failed as a human. Who is the reason why her best friend is brain dead. Who can't even pick up a simple call.
Yet I look up in the mirror. Her eyes are puffy and red af. Her hair is pulled up in a bun which is on the verge of opening up cuz she ran her hand through it multiple times pulling it, trying to reduce that headache. Her lips are raw from excessively biting it. She doesn't deserve to live, I mean it's not like anyone would miss her anyway.

I just took some medication for my headaches and went to bed. My parents didn't wanna leave me alone, but I insisted on being left to my solitude. I don't anyone to tell me that it's gonna be all right when they fucking KNOW that it won't. It can't. How much ever I wish it would be, it just can't.

Armaan came over today, again. He came yesterday too and for the past one week. I just asked my parents to not let him meet me. They asked him to go home, once they realised that I'm not letting anyone in. Yet, he comes back everyday to try and talk to me. But I can't meet him when I am in this condition. I don't can't meet anyone in this condition. I blocked out all my girlfriends. I don't need anyone else sobbing with me. I can't bear to hear another one of my girls crying. It would be painful.

I don't wanna go to college tomorrow and face all those faces trying to show me some sympathy, cuz I swear I'll bitch slap the next person I see giving me that smile. I don't want their fucking sympathy, I just want them to behave normally. Not like I am a freaking glass doll on verge of breaking. I can handle myself, not their bullshit. But I gotta go, I got important lectures which I can't miss. They'll probably get my mind off these things. I hope they do. Right now all I wanna do is drift asleep. But I can't. Maybe because I don't wanna wake up to any more missed calls. Maybe because I'll get another nightmare. Last night I saw a nightmare in third person's perspective. I saw her calling to me but I was too busy waltzing with Armaan to notice her. I only noticed her when she was screaming while blood gushed out of her mouth and eyes and I woke up with a jolt. The nightmares started from 28th, and they have been more or less the same.

I just hope that Armaan understands the fact that I really can't meet him. But he doesn't know about the nightmares, no one does except my journal. I will tell him some day, but not any time in the near future. I don't wanna say it out loud or type it down. It gets too real and too painful. I just, I just want this pain to stop, is it too much to ask for?
I lost my unbiological twin, my imaginary other half. Can't the pain just fucking chill for a sec?
Why did it have to happen? Why is karma such a bitch?