Finding The Other Half

Chapter - 14: The Suicide Note

Summary of the previous chapter:
Jade decides to numb her internal torture by cutting. She has blocked out everyone and prefers to be alone. Her college starts the next day. She doesn't wanna attend it, but has to because she can't miss the lectures. She does not wanna fall asleep because of the nightmares she gets. But she eventually does.

Jade's P.O.V.:

I was comatose in Zayna's stead. I could sense and perceive everything around me, but I could not react. Nor even twitch my fingers even though I could feel them. I was paralysed. It felt so horrible, that I can't even describe. It was like being stuck in your mind. Then I saw her, Zayna, standing beside me. She said, "Now you know what I feel like, what I go through. All because you couldn't pick up your phone. Not even for me."
Then I woke up. I couldn't fall back asleep. Anyway it was 6 am so I decided to and binge on some TV show instead till it was time to get ready for college.

I decided to wear my black and white hoodie with a pair of loose denim jeans. My eyes were puffy from crying, but I know some eye makeup tricks to cover it up. I could always say that I didn't get much sleep because I was studying.
I am good at hiding my emotions, I know that for sure. I hide it well. No one of my college friends knew about Zayna and I was thankful for that. I did not need the attention.

The day at college was absolutely horrible.

To start off my day, I get a nightmare. Then I could barely focus on the lectures, like what the fuck? Multiplexers is my favourite chapter and I was done studying it thoroughly. Yet I wasn't able to answer the questions that the lecturer asked. I don't even even remember what chapters the others taught. I don't even fucking know why I don't even know that. I mean I was listening to them. I was listening intently. But still I remember no shit.

Halfway through my college day, I received a text from Akira. They had found a suicide note written by Zayna. She somehow had got hold of it and sent me the pic. I read the first two lines:
This ain't a fairytale, sweetie.
No one's gonna kiss your cuts and scars;
No one cares how you really are.

That was it. I couldn't read any further, not during the college anyway. I swear to fucking pizzas if it's a damn suicidal poem, I'm done.

Now that I'm home, I guess curiosity got the better of me. I lock myself in my room and continue reading it.

[WARNING: DO NOT READ THE PART IN ITALICS IF YOU GET TRIGGERED]

This ain't a fairytale, sweetie.
No one's gonna kiss your cuts and scars;
No one cares how you really are.
Go ahead, cut it all out,
Flowing down the sink
Watch this whirlpool of your blood
Don't you fucking stand there and doubt;
You know there's a way to end this shit.
You know it is satisfactory.
Go ahead, pop that pill.
Better die than live in a reformatory.
You know you want it;
Even though you say you don't.
Fuck all those promises you made;
'cause no one really cares in the end,
Wash it all down with a bottle of vodka or gin;
Or both, it doesn't matter.
Cuz that beast inside you,
Will always win.
It knows the best for you.
I mean,
Your belly is fine, but could be a bit flatter.
[STARVE YOURSELF BITCH]
Yeah, you think you study, but you don't.
[YOU ARE A FAILURE]
Aww, you 'can't' focus? More like you 'won't'.
[GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME]
Babe, are those thighs or a cow's belly?
Why is your hair so oily?
Your teeth arrangement is all wrong
Don't even get me started on your fav song
You don't even try to perfect yourself,
Do you?
Cuz if you did, then you wouldn't be so screwed.
So just cut out that fat from your thighs.
Cover up the scars with some white lies.
Tie your hideous hair up in a bun.
Either you or that belly needs to burn.
What are you doing?! Stop eating.
You need to run,
From this shit
And to make you fit.
But remember,
Keep your emotions suppressed,
Cuz no one really cares.

Da faq did I just read?

She couldn't possibly have thought that I didn't care.
She couldn't have thought that her mom, her sister or her close friends didn't care.
She couldn't possibly have thought all of that.
Could she?

I fucked up, didn't I?
I could've saved her. But I didn't save her.
I could've. But I didn't.

I took off my hoodie and jeans, and stood in front of the full length mirror in my room. It is really cold and it caused goosebumps all over my semi naked body. I was in love with my body and myself. Now I could see all the flaws.
My thighs are too wide. My waist is way too big and doesn't go with my hips. My scars from yesterday are way too obvious. My upper arm is too thick and full of fat. My smile, more like forced smile, is just plain weird. My nose is a bit too flat. My forehead is on the verge of a horrible breakout. My hair hasn't been washed for a whole week. I am just a flawed person who couldn't even save her bestie.

I am not good enough and I'll never be good enough.

I crawl back into my bed like that and hid under the blanket. I am numb, but I won't cut. If I wanna improve, I need to avoid cutting. I take deep breaths in order to relax. I wanted to cry, I really did.
But I couldn't. Not even if I tried to. It's like the water works of my eyes had dried out even though I kept myself hydrated. After a while I got this sinking feeling at the pit of my stomach. Like my head felt dizzy and my heart went ape shit. I couldn't breath. I tried taking deep breaths to calm the fuck down, I couldn't. I grabbed my upper arms and sat up straight. Again breathing deeply but my breaths just got quicker. I clawed my arms trying to hold my lungs together and I doubled over, faceplanting on the bed. My nails dug into my upper arms but I felt nothing. Just this blood rushing through my body or something like that. It felt like the evil twin of adrenaline rush.
I couldn't think straight. It was freezing cold a few minutes ago but now my sweat is dripping down my torso and gliding down my scalp. My head started feeling heavier and felt a ton. I tried to get up and fetch the water bottle from my bag. Horrible decision. I stepped off my bed and moved forward. I immediately collapsed on the floor with a thud. My vision was blacking out. "No, No NO. This ain't happening. I'll be fine, just get the fuck up. I'll be fine if I splashed my face and drank some water. Just GET UP DUMBASS."
I lay still on the floor, repeating the first 20 elements of the periodic table, the alkali metals, the alkaline earth metals, the halogens, and the noble gases while trying to keep my breathing steady.

After like 10 minutes, that feeling subsided. I got up to wash my face. The cold water felt good on my scorching face. I drank two gulps of the water from my bottle and sat down on my bed. It was 4:30 pm. I took a cold shower and dressed in my pjs and went down for food. Honestly speaking, food is the only thing that could get me out of my room. Only my grand-parents were home. Mom had cooked rice and Manchurian chicken. I ate a bit and went back to my room. I decided to play some video games to distract myself. I was trying to pick a game to play when I heard something vibrating.

It is the device Armaan gave me that day. I didn't know it could vibrate too. Anyway, I take down the signals he was sending from the other side. Probably a hello.
He had sent, " Love? U der?"
I tapped back, "Ya, alwys."
I hate typing in Morse Code. It takes a loooot of time and energy.
He replied in a while, "Hw u doing?"
I think I am ready to meet him without a breakdown. "Meet me?"
We agreed on meeting up tomorrow after my college at a local cafe.

In the end, I ended up playing Assassin's Creed Syndicate till my mom called new down for dinner. At the dinner table, my family was trying to be "chatty" in order to cheer me up. I faked smiles and laughs and tried to provide some input to their conversation, like I have been doing for past 7 days.

After dinner, I went up to my room after wishing everyone a good-night. My brother agreed to sleep in another room at my request. So I am usually alone with my thoughts at nights.
That is SO not a good thing. I just tried getting some sleep so that I wasn't too tired when I met Armaan tomorrow.

~~~~~~~~
Author's Note:

I had deleted this book since it had become too sad.
But I figured out that it was just too realistic.
So I'm sorry 😘😘😘

Love,
Smriti<3