Unspoken

letter 01

01 / letter to your bestfriend

Dear Charles,

I’m giggling right now, because if you would read this letter, you’d get so upset at me for calling you Charles. I know how much you hate it, with your father’s name being Charles. I know you’d much prefer to be called Charlie, but as your best friend, it’s my duty to annoy you. And I will address you as Charles, always.

Thank you so much Charles, because you’re the best friend a girl could have. I know I can be an obnoxious little twat and I can be the biggest bitch on the planet but you’ve stuck by me for so long I begin to wonder if you’re a masochist considering the many times I take my anger out on you, but I know you’d scoff at that and tell me you do it because you love me. I don’t understand how you can love me when I’m such a mess. I also don’t understand how you can calm me down in a span of seconds, the last time you did it was just last week.

It was a Friday night and I called you. I was sobbing on the phone because he’d done it again & I think you know who he is, you came over as fast as you could and I was punching and throwing everything in sight and sobbing. I do that sometimes, I guess it’s my way of dealing with the situation. I have no control over anything and I just damage things, including myself, but you always know what to do. You grab me and you hold me close and whisper sweet things in my ear while you run your hand through my hair, your whispers of “you’re okay liv, you’re okay” are better than anybody else’s. I’m all worn out and tired of crying and screaming by that time so I sag against your chest almost collapsing in a heap on the ground but you never let me go. You hold me close and then lay me down in bed and you stay with me until I’m fast asleep, you kiss my forehead goodnight and leave, but you’re always back the next day to check up on me, because that’s the type of friend you are Charlie, selfless and caring.

I’d do anything for you Charles. I hope you know that. I know Roman is the luckiest person in the world to have you and I hate the fact that he doesn’t appreciate you as much as he should. Whenever he treats you bad I feel like punching him into a bloody pulp. He angers me so much Charles. But I never say anything because he makes you so happy, so darn happy, it’s like every time you see him, you’re a kid again. Your face lights up in the cutest of ways and you couldn’t be any more happy than you are then, and that’s all I want for you Charles, for you to be happy. Sometimes I’m scared though. I’m so scared because I don’t want him to hurt you and I know he does. You lie about it. You tell me you’ve tripped or blame it on yourself and say you’re clumsy but I know its him. I’ll never know why you stick around Charlie.

Oh and Charles, thank you for being the bravest person I know. Sometimes I wish I was just a little bit as brave as you are and that I could say what I feel and do what I want without caring about what anybody thought. I still remember when you first came out, I couldn't have been any prouder and I hope you know that even if in that moment your dad turned his back on you, I never will. I'd always stick by you no matter what your sexuality was. It angers me so deeply that he thought something was wrong with you, because nothing was, society has become so rigid about what’s right and wrong and everything has to be labeled and if it’s not understood its rejected. He was wrong Charles, so wrong to turn his back on you. You're so strong Charles, you get knocked down so often but you always get right back up, I want to be strong like that too, I really do.

I’d never tell you this, but I’m so scared of you leaving me. Because I know it’s bound to happen. And I’ve become so reliant on you that just the thought of not having you around makes me cry. I need you and I can’t tell you this because you’d get mad. You'd tell me it’s silly to think that way, and that I should become independent and stand up for myself, but I’m terrified Charles, so terrified.

I love you so much Charlie and I always will. Thank you for everything. I’m really trying Charlie. I’m trying to get over so many things & I’m trying to do it alone, but it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. And most of the time, I need you. I really need you. Stick around for as long as you can Charles.

Please.

Love,

Olivia

xoxo