Unspoken

letter 14

14 / letter to someone from your childhood

Dear Jack,

How are you? Do you miss me? Because I really miss you.

It's funny how I remember you so much and it's been years since we've talked.

We met in the 4th grade when you were 8 and I was 9.

I remember the first day you came to Ms. Huckleberry's 4th grade classroom. You were terrified out of your mind. You were hiding behind your mum's legs and holding on to her pale blue skirt with one of your small chubby hands.

Ms. Huckleberry introduced you to the class as Jack Jones and that's when your mum gave you a small push and you stood in front of the class like a deer caught in the headlights. But you swallowed hard and pushed your light brown hair back and uttered one word.

One word was all it took for me to make the decision to befriend you.

You said "Hello."

But it wasn't what you said, it was how you said it. You had a strong British accent. And I fell in love with it. Now don't get me wrong, this isn't one of those letters where I proclaim my undying love for you. I never liked you that way Jack. But I sure as hell loved you as a friend. You were like a brother to me. An older brother that is.

I remember that day like the back of my hand.

Your mom left the classroom after kissing your cheek and I had the honor of seeing you scrunch your little face up and rub your cheek while your face turned red in embarrassment.

Ms. Huckleberry asked where you would like to sit and that's when I stood up and walked up to you determined. I grabbed your hand and led you to my table where you sat next to me. You seemed flustered and I gave you a big toothy grin while extending my hand,

I said "Hi, I'm Olivia."

And with much hesitation you shook my hand and smiled at me. "I'm Jack."

From there on we were inseparable. We shared crayons, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (you ate the crust of course, I hated that part.) and we shared memories.

You knew everything about me, from my favorite color to my biggest fear.

And in the blink of an eye, you left me.

We drifted apart as we grew up, by the time we were both in 9th grade, we barely talked, you made much cooler friends, you had dated so many girls I couldn't count them anymore and you had moved out of your dad's house, I knew you always wanted to considering your mom passed away 5 years ago and your dad wasn't around much to be a parent anymore, you went to live with your uncle. I guess you had everything you always wanted. You always wanted to be well-known and loved and you were. But along the way, you left me behind.

It's sad how we promised each other we'd stick by each other no matter what. But it was foolish of me to think that we'd always be friends.

I wouldn't mind as much if you at least acknowledged the fact that we did use to be friends. Last week I was walking to my 3rd class of the day and I passed you and your group of friends and that's when Melinda Summers spoke about me. She was one of those girls who hung around you to gain popularity, you didn't mind of course, she obviously gave you something in return.

She laughed and said with her annoying squeaky voice "She looks like a boy, she's really let herself go."

Everyone laughed on cue and shortly after so did you, I heard when she asked you if you knew me. I heard when you said no. I heard when you called me a loser. I heard it all. And did it hurt? Yes, Jack it did.

It's sad because you have the whole world convinced that you're just so cool and laidback and you have that 'I don't care about anything' attitude. You've even convinced yourself of that. But not me.

I still see the old Jack. The one who got beat by his dad on a daily basis, the one who cried for months when his mom passed away. The one who was always made fun of for being chubby, the boy who nobody wanted to befriend. I still see that Jack, I see the insecurity you still hold with you, I see the pain. I see it all. And maybe I'm the only one who sees it because maybe I'm the only who still cares.

Sometimes I'll see you pass my house considering you live just two blocks away and you're walking outside in the cold with your head down and your hands inside your hoodie and you close your eyes and stand for a while and you breathe, you breathe as if you could breathe out all your worries, all your pain and you inhale as if you don't really want to inhale any air. As if you'd like to just stop breathing altogether.

And I want you to know I still care Jack, I will always still care for you. I will always still think about you.

Love,

Olivia

xoxo