Unspoken

letter 11

11 / letter to a deceased person

 Dear Aunt Betty,

I knew this was coming. The letter to a dead person. That’s you. I don’t like using the word dead and your name in the same sentence. But I can’t really pretend you’re not dead anymore, can I?

You’re dead Aunt Betty. Dead. Gone. No longer with us. And that’s the most gut-wrenching thing to think of. I can’t get over the fact that you left me. You left me so suddenly. I really thought you were going to be okay. I hoped you would be okay. Hope was the only thing I had, so I hung on to it. But things didn’t really work out the way I wanted them to.

I feel so empty without you. And little things like Charles and Oliver fill my heart, but only for a while and then I have this empty spot in my heart. The spot where you’re supposed to be. But you’re not. You’re 6 feet under. Gone. So gone. You can’t take care of me anymore. When you died, I cried for God knows how long. That sounds crazy right? Well, it wasn’t like non-stop crying, but it was that type of crying that involved sniffling, bawling, tearing up and sobbing. I felt like the ground beneath my feet had been wiped out from under me. I didn’t go into shock or disbelief. I knew you had died. I felt it. In my heart, soul, even in my bones. I cried, a lot. I stayed in my room, lost 4 pounds and lost you. I didn’t help Oliver get through what was going on even if his little 6 year old brain didn’t really understand. I was a bad sister Aunt Betty. But what was I supposed to do? You left me. The one person who I trusted with everything, the one that kept me sane. Gone. Gone. So gone. I feel so bitter writing this letter, but guess what? I am bitter. I feel as though I’m drowning in my bitterness at times Aunt Betty.

I guess I should explain why I had this sudden need to write letters. I’m not sure yet. I feel like I’m carrying so much weight and this will make me feel lighter. I need to feel lighter.

Most of the time I write in the backyard while the sun is out and its breezy. I sit on your favorite chair. That ugly dark brown wood chair that’s really uncomfortable. Why was that your favorite? It’s hideous. But it was yours and being near it makes me feel okay. Not good, but okay. Okay enough, to keep going. It fills some of the emptiness. So I write there. Like I’m writing to you now. I can’t begin to describe how much I miss you. It’s like reaching for something you can’t grasp. I’m reaching for you but I always end up empty-handed.

I miss everything about you, from your warm smiles to your big comfy bear hugs. Those smiles that made everything better, the ones filled with so much love, that at times I didn’t feel like I deserved them. You loved me so much and I loved you back just the same. I could never thank you enough for all you did for me while you were alive Aunt Betty, you provided comfort and safety. I felt safe with you. I felt loved. I didn’t feel worthless. You’re gone now. But at times, I still feel you, I feel your presence. You’re watching over me and I know what you would be saying to me if you could.

“It’ll get better darling, you only go up from here.” your soft loving voice would whisper this in my ear whenever I cried.

And how I miss you telling me this.

I remember our adventures Aunt Betty, you were like a child stuck inside a 40 year old body. You were so easy to relate to. You ate like a total pig, just like me. We’d stuff our faces together. I remember your favorite food was ribs. And your favorite pastime was watching Star Wars or Doctor Who. You were the weirdest Aunt ever. But you were also the best.

Everything about your death is bittersweet.

I can reminisce in the memories. But I can also grieve.

I do both.

I wish you hadn’t left me. But I’m glad I enjoyed your presence while you were still with me.

I’d love to tell you everything that’s happened since you’ve passed away.

I like a boy Aunt Betty, his name is Finn and he’s the cutest boy ever. Too bad I’m too much of a dork to speak to him. Your advice would come in handy right now. I can imagine you yelling at me.

“Go get your man sweetie. And don’t let him go until he loves you.” I’d laugh and blush at that.

Charles is still with Roman Aunt Betty, I’m so worried like always. But you’d always tell me

"It’s his life, his decisions. If he loves him enough to put up with it, nobody can judge him for it.”

I suppose you’re right about that. He does love him.

Oliver is the chubbiest little boy ever. He misses you a lot. He’s finally starting to grasp the fact that you’re gone. It’s hard for him.

Mom and dad are the same. Tough, cold, strict and unfair.

I miss you. I really do. 

You're gone now but never forgotten. I promise. 

I love you so much. 

R.I.P Aunt Betty. 

Love,

Olivia

xoxo

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