She Is Home To You, But Everything To Me

How Endings Really Are

It all happens so fast doesn't it?

The making up, the packing, the moving back in process. Also, the awkwardness, getting to like Stephanie, getting to except Griffin.

And after all that, shouldn't I get my happy ending? Haven't I gone through enough hell to get one goddamn break?

According to life, it says no. It decided to throw more fists my way, beating me down until I didn't have the energy to live anymore. Making me not want to live another day, for the sake of the six guys.

And I am correct when I say six.

Paul died in 2009, and Joey left during Paul's funeral. No one has heard of him since.

But what about the the third one? Who could that be?

I wondered the same thing when I was at the studio with Chris, working on a new track called 'AOV,' and we received a call from the hospital, saying that someone we knew was hurt.

I just assumed that Sid broke something by sliding down the banister, or Clown got in a fight with Jim.

But when I got there, I didn't expect to see the person I love so dearly drenched in blood and his own guts, doctors and nurses rushing around him.

They said a drunk driver had hit him. They never found the rider.

When I was in the waiting room, I just thought to myself, 'He's gonna be okay. It's just some broken ribs. Nothing serious.'

God how wrong I was.

Craig Micheal Jones died 2010, January 13 at 10:11.

He made an impact on many lives, one of them being me.

He did so much for me. He was my father when Corey wasn't, he listened when nobody else would, he noticed when I was becoming depressed.

But he's gone now.

Who's going to help me through this depression now?

I cried, I raged, I cut.

I didn't know what to do with myself.

I didn't bother to wear hoodies cover up my fresh cuts anymore, and the ones that were already scarring over. Because there's no point in hiding it when you don't care.

The guys were thinking about finding a new bass and drummer. But now, they finally concluded that Slipknot has finnaly reached the end of its carreer. They don't even consider it a band anymore.

I may seem very...blunt about this whole situation. But I have had my shares in tears...and cuts.

I didn't go to his funeral.

I went after everyone left.

When I got there, I didn't do anything. I just stared at the closed coffin, tears welling up in my eyes as I repeated his name in my head. Over and over.

After everything that happened with Corey, whom I call "Dad" now, I thought I was finally gonna get my happy ending. Where everyone would be happy and smiley with a perfect life.

But if you don't sugar-coat it, all we received was grief.

One of the main emotions you feel more than happiness?

Grief.

Everyone seems so sympathetic when they look at me. And I hate it.

The first thing people say to me when they're able to get me to open my door, is, "Are you doing okay?"

I never answer them. They know how I feel.

And that's how I'll always feel.

Because the person I loved the most in those world died and I couldn't do anything about it.

And I still can't do anything about it now.

This is the end of everything.

My dearest Craig, you are the end of everything.