"What do you mean by your father blaming you for your mother's death?"
Yan ang tanong ni Darren sakin.
"I killed my mother." Yan ang maikling naisagot ko. I answered it with a straight painful face. Habang binibigkas ko ang mga salitang ito parang mayroong kutsilyo na naka-stuck sa lalamunan ko.
"What?" pagtataka di Darren.
"It was when I was in 13 years old. I kept on insisting na I want to stop ballet and everything my dad wants me to do. Iyak ako ng iyak kay mama. I kept begging her to talk to dad. Well... she did."
"She talked to your dad?" tanong ni Darren
"Yeah. She talked to Dad, she asked him to stop controlling me. Nagalit si Dad. They fought, mom cried hard. I can hear them... nasa bedroom sila nun. Yun yung mga rare days na may oras si Dad kay Mama and yet yun ang nangyari sakanila. But still, mom kept persisting on dad. She kept begging him to let me do what I want. Dad snapped, nasigawan niya si mama." I pause for a while, breath some air and continued my story.
"Never niyang sinigawan si mama. Kahit na nagtatalo sila, hindi niya napagtataasan si mama ng boses. Yet that night, because of me, nasigawan niya ang babaeng pinakamamahal niya."
"Mom ran out of the room and she saw me on the side of the door. She pulled me. Habang tumatakbo kami palabas ng bahay at papunta sa garahe nakita ko si mama, her tears are flowing, no signs of stopping. I can see the pain in her eyes."
I paused again... I'm trying not to cry. Every time na naaalala ko yung muka ni mama, nasasaktan dahil sakin, I can't help but hate myself.
"We got in the car, she drove off. Nakasunod naman si dad samin ni mama. I told her to stop the ca , na wag nalang niya ako pakinggan sa gusto ko. I can just live as dad's puppet. But, she said no. She said, I need to be free. Sabi niya, tama na daw yung ilang taon na naging mabuti akong anak kay Dad, she said it's time for me to do what I'm good at."
I started crying.
"Mom always saw the best in me. She knows what I am capable of, hindi nga lang siya kumokontra kay Dad because she knows that Dad will never listen. She saw that Dad is next to us, so she drove faster. Natatakot na ako nun, sobrang bilis na ng sasakyan. The next thing I knew nasa hospital na ako."
I swallowed and tried to fight the tears.
"We got into an accident. Si Tita Mary ang una kong nakita pagkagising ko. She's crying. I asked her for mom. Then, she just cried harder."
Tears started flowing down my cheeks, I couldn't stop them. Hanggang ngayon masakit parin.
"Hindi ko parin natanggap ang reaksyon ni Tita Mary, I just kept on asking for mama. Tinatanong ko siya ng paulit-ulit kung nasaan na si mama. Hindi siya sumasagot, umiiling lang siya. Alam ko naman ang sagot eh, ayaw ko lang tanggapin. I tried to get out of the bed but Tita Mary restrained me, she even called for the nurse. Sinaksakan pa nila ako ng papangpakalma just so I can stop."
"After kong kumalma, kinausap ako ni Tita. She said, she asked the doctor to let me out of the hospital. Pero ayaw dawn g doctor kasi hindi pa daw ako ok. I got stabber, sa abdomen ko, but it didn't hit any organs so it's not that bad. Hindi ako nakapunta sa burol ni mama, pinayagan lang nila ako nung libing na."
"Sa libing, dun ko unang nakita si Dad after all ng nangyari. He never visited me, lagging si Tita Mary lang. I never get to mourn for my mother. I never get to cry in front of her. Nung libing si mama, I couldn't cry. Dad was very angry, he kept on blaming me. Sa harap ng maraming tao na nakipaglibing, he kept shouting, nanlilisik yung mga tama niya. Full of hatred towards me."
"After that, hindi na niya ako kinakausap. Mas naging distant siya sakin. Our relationship worsen. He hates me for killing his wife. And I hate myself for killing my mother."
All this time na nagkukwento ako nakatingin lang sakin si Darren, nakikinig. Hindi siya nagcocomment, he's just listening. Pagkatapos ko magkwento hindi parin ako tumitigil sa pag-iyak.
He just reached out for me and hugged me.
"Celina, it's not your fault. I was never your fault. Siguro nga mali na sinagot sagot natin ang Dad mo, but I just know na proud ang mama mo sayo ngayon. You're finally fighting for yourself. Yun yung gusto niya na gawin mo diba? She want to see you in your best form. She wants to see you spread your wings, she wants to see you flying like a bird and not like a kite controlled by your father."
After hearing Darren's words, I can't help butfeel relieved and smile. Hindi ko alam kung anong mangyayari sa susunod peroright now, I know I did well. Bukas ko nalang aalahanin ang probema, gusto kona muna magpahinga. Pagod na ako. After that, I fell asleep on Darren's arms.
