Conflict Reloaded

Chapter 21: Seventeen Years OLD

(Jahlil)

"Emotions are trapped set on lock

Got my brain stuck goin through the motions

Only I know what's up I'm filled up with pain

Tryin' to gain my sanity

Everywhere I turn its a dead end infront of me

With nowhere to go gotta shake this anxiety

Got me feelin' strange paranoia took over me

And its weighin' me down

And I can't run any longer, yo Knees to the ground."

(Anxiety Papa Roach & Black Eyed Peas)

Right, Left, Right, Right.

My fist began slamming into the punching bag harder and harder. I need some way to blow off steam. I would never put my hands on Malia, but the way I been treatin' her ain't right. I snatch away from her. I raise my voice at her. All for nothing. I've apologized to her, but she says the apologizing isn't necessary. She knows that I'm going through some fucked up shit. And that my mind is fuckin' up.

Damn, why was my life suppose to be like this? All I ever done was try and be an honorable person, but this shit keep happening to me. None physical, all fuckin mental and emotional. All because of my parents.

Not even six fuckin hours before my birthday, my dad decided to take his own life. Not even six fuckin ours before my birthday, my mom decided she was gonna try and take her own life. I literally brought in my muthafuckin birthday having a fuckin panic attack.

Brandon's funeral will be in a few days. Will I be going? Folks would be wearing sweaters and coats in Hell before I do. I be damned. He didn't even go to his own father's funeral. Why should I go to his? It'll probably only be 'bout ten damn people there anyway. Brandon made a bunch of enemies in his life. There ain't too many people that's gon' give a shit that he's gone. Don't even know why I felt so bad about the shit.

The man committed suicide. There was a phase I went through where I wanted my life to end, but I would never do that to myself. It ain't my time. I been shot before. Been in a wreak before. God pulled me through those situations. I don't think he's gave up on me. I just been through some things. Who hasn't?

Malina and Isabelle. What kind of father would I be if I left my baby girls before they even see the world? I couldn't be that selfish. They deserve to have their father AND mother in their life.

Mother. Ugh. I remember when I had one of those. Janelle survived her suicide attempt. And really I could care less. She don't give a damn about me. The feelin' muthafuckin' mutual. Now she just somebody I gotta live with unfortunately.

So, today makes seventeen years I've been alive. Seventeen years of confusion. Seventeen years...but I feel so much older.

(Malia)

Jahlil appeared in my doorway.

"Hey, you A'ight?"

I put my cup on my end table then hugged him. He sat beside me and rubbed my belly.

"I'm okay. I've been dozing on and off all evening. Happy birthday baby." He slightly smiled and kissed my lips. "Thank you baby."

"Have you ate? Would you like for me to make you something."

"Nah bae, I'm good."

"Umm, I know that this birthday wasn't the best. And I am sorry for that. I had other plans, but I'm sure you weren't up for them. I know you said you didn't want anything, but I had to get you three things."

"Bu-"

"No buts Jahlil. I got up and picked up the game case and the card on my dresser then gave it to him. The game is that new Grand Theft Auto game that just came out. The card has a fifty dollar gift card in it.

He graciously thanked me, then we got up and went into the kitchen. I made him sit at the table so his back would be to the fridge. I pulled out his birthday cake then lit the candles.

"Surprise! Happy birthday boo!"

His face lit up, and for the first day in a while, a huge grin spread across his face. He shook his head. "Thank you bae. Haven't had one of these in a while."

When Jahlil told me that he hadn't really celebrated his birthday in over five years. That made me sad. So I figured the least I could do was get him a cake. Who doesn't like birthday cake? My plan was to have him a party, but I knew he wouldn't be up to it. Not after all he had been through the night before.

Jahlil is a tough guy, he'll be okay. And I'll be by his side no matter what.