Conflict Reloaded

Chapter 28: No Matter What

(Janelle)

I walked in and shut the door behind me.

"Kids, I'm home!"

I heard a weeping noise so I went into the kitchen to see Malia crying at the table.

"Hey, what's wrong sweetie?" I sat beside her and wrapped my arms around her.

"Jahlil is really difficult to deal with. We had a big argument all because I said somethings always wrong with him. I didn't mean to hurt his feelings, but I guess it did. It's true. He's always hurting and I can't do anything to make him feel better. I love Jahlil. I'm in love with Jahlil. But I don't know what else to do."

She started crying worser. I tried to console her for a few minutes then I shook my head.

"Honey I will be right back."

I got up then walked to my son's room. In his room, he was sitting on the floor at the foot of his bed. I sat beside him and put one of my arms around him.

"So tell me why I have a big baby down there crying and a big baby up here crying."

"Ma I made her cry?" That caused him to cry more.

"What's going on with you Jahlil? She told me what happened. Sometimes the truth hurts. We need to find the root of your depression."

"I'm not depr-"

"Jahlil. Don't do that. You know that you are depressed. It's something in you that hurts you to your core. You may not realize this, but your attitude hurts those around you. You're passive, you're upset all the time. You are so defensive. You're insecure. You're dismissive. I was thinking, maybe we could set you up an up-"

"No." He shook his head. "Are you trying to say that I'm crazy? I don't need help. I'm just....afraid."

I looked over to the door to see Malia standing there with her hand over her chest. Kinda makes me wonder how long she was standing there. I motioned her over so she came over and sat beside Jahlil.

"What are you afraid of baby?", I asked.

He put his hands on his face. "I don't want to lose you. I don't want to lose you or Malia or Kim or Isabelle or Malina. The people I love the most. Death is all around me. It has been the whole fuckin year. If I lose someone else I don't think I'll be able to take it."

(Malia)

As I sit out here on the patio, I can't help but break down. Jahlil, Janelle, and I shared a very emotional moment earlier.

Death is a very scary thing. Never know when or how it might happen. Death is unpredictable. Some people go peacefully in their sleep. Some people lose the battle against Cancer. And some people are gunned down.

Jahlil has had three of his close relatives die in one year. Not only that, but there have been others that he wasn't really close too. It's fucked up either way. That's too much to take in. Like, if my father died, I probably would. No, we aren't really that close right now, but I still don't want anything to happen to him.

"Malia can I talk to you?" I looked up to see Jahlil standing in the doorway. Poor thing cried himself to sleep. Jahlil is a person that doesn't really know how to deal with his emotions. Sometimes I look at him, and I can just see him as this scared little child that has no idea what to make of the situations going on around him. That's not to say that he's a little boy, it's just to say that's how he acts sometimes.

"I keep messing up." He came over to me and sat beside me. "My mom was right. In a time like this I should be pulling you close and not pushing you away. Sometimes I just get so overwhelmed and anxious about things and I just shut down. I try not to face some situations because I don't want to believe that it's really happening. All these years I been so angry and frustrated. And even now I feel less of a person. And I just don't want you to leave me."

I slightly smiled at him then gave him a big hug.

"It's okay Jahlil. Janelle and I are here for you. Solo wise I'm not going anywhere. But we can both grow together, hand in hand. We're going to get someone to talk to, and we are going to get better. Because I am yours and you are mine. No matter what."