So Wrong, It's Right (Louis)

Epilogue

A lot has changed over these past few months, things I swore never had the possibility to change. How could it when I used to be so bitter and angry at everything and everyone? There was supposed to be too much darkness in my heart that prevented any bit of kindness that tried to weasel its way in. I was so strong when it came to pushing it all away.

Somehow the kindness grew on me and I let practically all of it in. I began to see differently and wanted to change and be a better version of myself; a version of myself before anything negative was heavily marked on my brain. I didn't want to be the boy who turned ugly because of his father and then used his lack of courage to torment another. Underneath all the bad was just a coward who was too proud to admit that he actually had fears.

When I began to finally face them, thanks to the help of the major kindness that was Liam Payne, everything harsh word towards me that I beat down suddenly came back and hit me all at once. All my fear of having to feel anything became uncontrollable until I threw away my terrible pride and asked someone for help, someone who knew me better than anyone. At one point I absolutely hated that.

There's so much that I could go off and say about Liam but most of it would just be repetitive. To make a long story about him short: He saved me. He saved me even when he knew I didn't deserve to be. He saved me even though I was mean to him and wanted nothing to do with redemption.

Since the day I came around to apologising to Niall, things continued to change. First, I always have to remind myself that I never would even try to apologise to him for all that I've done because there was absolutely no way that an 'I'm sorry' could fix anything. I like to think Niall heard me and understood where I was coming from. When he told me that he was sorry about my dad I felt like he didn't hate me as much as I thought. I could be wrong but I want to believe in that. I meant what I said when I felt free.

Just last week mum decided that we needed an outlet to express our feelings to. We both had trouble doing that because my father wasn't fond of expressing any emotions. We both bottled them up but we don't want to ever have to do that anymore. I never saw my mum as lively as she was now. I really missed her. She was finding a way back and she hoped I could find one too.

My mum found us a family therapy center and we've only just started going to appointments. The plan our therapist wants us to start out with is having separate sessions where my mum can talk about her relationships and I could do the same thing separately. Eventually, we will come together and have joint sessions. The two of us will become a family again.

I liked it that way because there were things I wasn't ready for my mum to hear about and I couldn't bear to listen to her talk about the unhappy and unloving marriage she was in. I'd get ill and upset to the point where I'd need to walk out of the room.

My dad hasn't come back to see us since my mum kicked him out of the house. He never tried calling either. He doesn't want us and we don't want him but I still can't help but to think where he is now in the world and if he's honestly happy about who he is.

My mum was able to figure out through a few phone calls about what he's been up to. Apparently, he's staying with one of his brothers, an uncle of mine that I've never met because when it comes to family, my father's side isn't too sociable.

Being a Tomlinson boy seemed like a curse at this point. How could we survive if we push people away just because they're being a real raw human? We'd end up bitter and alone. I didn't want that to happen to me. I wanted to break this cycle.

Zayn and I have begun speaking again. To my surprise he rang me up first and I thought there was a chance that he did it accidentally. I was nervous during that particular call because I had absolutely no idea why he wanted to talk to me. I thought he wanted me out of his life for good. It turned out that he's had time to focus on himself and is always trying to put this past school year behind him.