You Could Have Stayed

Chapter 9

Today marked a grand total of 4 months without Killian. Emma still sent him updates every other week, he still called twice a week to ask her if they could meet and talk it out. Twice a week she rejected him, telling him to call back when he could explain it to her and her whole family, including Henry who had looked up to him. She had lost it once over the phone with him; she screamed about how she had trusted him more than anybody else, she loved him more than anyone else yet he still abandoned her like every other man in her life. She hung up immediately after and didn't answer his call later that week. When she finally did answer the next week she pretended her blow up never happened.
Her enormous stomach was becoming a real inconvenience. She had passed the size she had been when she had Henry at 7 months. None of her clothes fit, it felt like she had to go out and buy new things every day. In her case the shopkeepers were kind enough to hand deliver them to her house where they would also accept payment.
She barely left the house anymore. David was running the Sheriff's station full time, he had recruited Ruby to help him out. Her mother her brought her groceries and cooked for her or she brought her something from Granny's. She hadn't had much of an appetite since the baby shower. She only ate enough in front of her mother to appease her so she would leave. She felt like a child, needing to be cooked for but she had no energy lately either.
She knew she shouldn't be pushing people away but she couldn't help it. She was getting sick of the pity looks she got from everybody. Henry was only staying with her twice a week instead of every other day, she only let her mom and dad come over when she was hungry or really needed a pick me up. Everybody knew from her time as a Dark One that they couldn't let her be completely alone.
As if on queue, her phone rang. It was her mother. "Good morning mom." Emma tried to put on a cheery voice.
"It's not exactly morning but guess what?" She sounded excited enough to not ask her usual questions about Emma's wellbeing.
"What?"
"Neal said his first word today."
"That's awesome," Emma smiled genuinely for the first time all week. She loved her little brother, their mother brought him over sometimes she Emma could learn everything she needed to know about babies from hands on experience.
"Well, aren't you going to guess what it was?" Snow pressed.
"Let me guess, evil or something weird like jalapeño." Emma smiled again, knowing her mother would take the humor too seriously.
"Emma! No, of course not."
"Okay mom, I'll bite. What did my dear, sweet little brother say?"
"He said magic."
"Hmph. That interesting, I thought most kids said dada first. And I don't think that Neal is actually old enough to speak yet." Emma knew her mother would be able to feel the raised eyebrow in her tone.
"Okay well it sounded more like magac when he spit out some apple sauce but-" Emma cut her off with a laugh.
"So he didn't say anything. Good to know mom. I'm going to go do the dishes now. Bye." Emma's good mood had quickly faded back to her seemingly regular depression and she hung up the phone.
It was a good thing they occasionally checked on her and at least made sure she ate anything at all. Emma knew she had been losing weight and wasn't taking good care of herself. But she wasn't so sad that she didn't take care of her children, she took her prenatal vitamins everyday. She made sure she at least ate something for each meal, even if it wasn't enough for them and her. She sang to them if they were restless. She kept their nursery clean and tidy.
"I am not usually like this kids." She still talked to them when she felt especially alone. They liked the sound of her voice. She played a voicemail from Killian for them every night and they had loved that too. "I'm usually brave, I don't usually get my emotions get in the way of my life. I used to have layers of walls and armor around me, protecting me from anything that could hurt me. But then your dad took those down just to make me build them back up again. I was the savior. I was." Emma trailed off with a sigh, noticing a stuffed dog about to fall off a shelf behind the door.
Emma struggled to her feet and waddled across the room. She put the dog farther back on the shelf and pat its head for good measure.
She was so alone. She didn't even feel this alone in her group homes and orphanages when she thought nobody loved her. Her husband abandoned her and she had pushed everybody else away. She screamed at the jumble of emotions she couldn't seem to work through and punched the wall, hard. The little dog shook on his shelf but the wall stayed perfectly intact. Emma's hand on the other hand, was rapidly swelling and starting to bleed from the three knuckles she had split.
She was tired. Really tired. Exhausted. This hardwood floor wasn't bad, she preferred a hard bed. She could just take a little nap here and get a bandage later. Yeah, that's what she'd do. She dropped down to her knees and laid on the floor, curled up into a ball with her hands on her belly to keep her warm. Hook was calling, she registered distantly. But she was too far into a dreamy warmth to answer the phone.