You Could Have Stayed

Chapter 18

Just a day later, they went home. The whole Charming-Mills-Swan-Jones clan somehow squished into Emma and Killian's house as the two brought the babies home. It was an exhausting affair, Emma snapped at more people in that time frame as she had the rest of her life, she thought.
A headache had taken root behind her eyes just a couple hours after the twins were born, mainly from the constant questions and offers to help from her parents but not helped by the crying of her children. Emma did want the help, she appreciated it but in the beginning before she was too sleep deprived she wanted to spend time with them and learn on her own how to take care of babies, something she hadn't experienced before. Everybody was just getting on her nerves, especially Killian even though he was one of the ones who understood the need to take care of the children by themselves for a while.
  It was his presence that irked her. The fact that he was there after all this time yet she couldn't let herself give into the growing side of her that wanted to forgive him. That side was slowly overtaking the side of her angry with him. It was the little things that she didn't know she had missed. The way he always shook his head after he yawned. The way he smelled so damn good all the time despite the minuscule amount of cologne he used. The brightness in his eyes whenever he looked at her. The sound of leather rubbing against itself whenever he moved. She had even grown to love the new baby voice he had developed, though he didn't know he had it.
It was pissing her off and making her headache worse because she loved him more than she hated him. He had left, just up and left without a word for the longest time. No support for her morning sickness, nobody to help around the house when she was too tired to move, nobody to help her pick out stuffed animals for the nursery, nobody to hold her at night when she felt like crying for no apparent reason. Yeah she had her family but a husband is different, especially one you're having kids with.
  "Emma, are you okay?" Snow's voice shook Emma out of her reminiscent state, the headache rearing up full force again.
  "Yes. Mom, I'm fine. What I need is for everybody to get out of my damn house so I can have a few minutes of quiet before you barge back in or one of my kids starts crying." Emma's voice was barely above a growl. Snow looked hurt but Emma felt no guilt yet.
  "We will get out of your hair, just call us if you need anything. Anything at all." David smiled and nodded, grabbing his wife by the shoulders and leading her towards the truck as everybody started to file out, not very surprised Emma wanted some quiet.
  "Killian come back here." Emma sighed as she heard his boots against the wood in the doorway, a sound she had been looking forward to hearing for the past 6 months. The noise stopped. "Come here please."
  "Yes, love?" He stopped in front of her, admiring her while her eyes were closed. Her baby bump was rapidly diminishing, it would be completely gone within a month at this rate. Her blonde hair had gained back TA vibrancy and her skin was pink again. The only thing that still wasn't right from her time in the hospital was her eyes. Dark bags seemed to have made a home under her eyes and though he couldn't see them currently, he knew her bright green eyes had dimmed and gone flat. He knew he was the cause of some if not all of her stress, considering he had left her and helped create the children who drained her energy and continued to do so even after they were born.
  "I'm going to be frank with you. I'm sick of being mad at you. But I'm going to continue because I know you deserve it. I just...I missed everything about you these past months and now that I have you back, I can't enjoy those things yet. It's only been a week since you came back and I know David beat your ass and the rest of the town tried to rip you a new one but that's not enough punishment for what I went through." She paused and lifted her head up, meeting his blue eyes with her dimmed green ones. She continued. "Yet, I want it to be. I want to be excited about every little thing with Liam and Hope with you. I want to lean against you on the couch like we did every night. I want to listen to your heartbeat when I fall asleep. I want to hug and kiss and just look at you. You died you know, the worst it's been for you was when these kids took me down but I wasn't dead. You didn't kill me like I had to, Killian." Emma was going off track as the tears welled up in her eyes, crying for the first time since her twins were born. Finally breaking down.
  Killian was silent. He knew he needed to be punished more. He knew that she was mad at him. But he didn't know how much his death still affected her. As words continued to fail him, he simply walked the few steps to bring him to Emma and pull her into his arms. She didn't pull away and he was relieved because he didn't think he would let her go if she did. She even grabbed the lapels of his leather jacket and pulled him more securely against her.
"I'm horrible, love, I know. And if you need or want those things then you don't need to be angry with me when we do them. I will gladly punish myself however you see fit. And if you think I'm not suffering enough, then I swear on the sea that...that...you can take my other hand."
  Emma stopped burrowing into his chest and looked up at him. Her eyes were wet but he saw that completely incredulous look within them. That's what he was hoping for.
  "Don't be an idiot Killian! How the hell will you help me change diapers without even one hand, hmmm?" She asked, a hunt of the teasing he loved from her in her voice. "And I'll have other uses for it in the future I'm sure." She added casually. Killian coughed, into his hand, as Emma laid her head back on his shoulder and sighed. They were going to be okay. Everything could get better.