Perfect.

try hard

"she's so out of reach.. and she makes me feel, makes me feel, like I try, like I try, like i'm trying too hard again."

I woke up and felt like my stomach was eating me alive. I was fucking starving. I hadn't ate a thing in 35 hours.

I opened the cabinet and dug through the round box full of pill bottles, until I found what I was looking for.

diet pills.

An appetite suppressant to be exact.

the directions read: take one tablet by mouth with a meal.

I dumped the contents out onto the counter.

My mom was at work so I didn't have to worry about her coming home anytime soon.

34. thats how many pills were left.

I took two and drank a whole bottle of water and ate half of a medium banana. that was the "meal" I had to eat with the pill.

I decided to hang out with Alaska, so I took a shower and blowdried my hair. I put some mousse in it and brushed it through again. I got dressed in floral print skinny jeans I rolled up into capris and a yellow shirt paired with black toms.

I texted her saying i was coming over, because the day before she'd said I could come over whenever i wanted.

I grabbed my messenger bag and took one last look at myself in the mirror before heading out the door, locking it behind me.

"Hey. you look pretty." Alaska said, pulling me into a hug as she opened the door.

I stiffened at her touch. I wasn't expecting that. but I finally loosened my muscles and hugged her back.

we sat in the livingroom. the house was a lot cleaner than the day before, and she was home alone.

"are your parents ever here?" I asked, regretting it because of how rude it may have sounded.

"um, not much. I live with my dad and he's always working. my mom left when I was little."

"oh. um, sorry for asking. I didn't mean to intrude." I said, glancing around awkwardly.

"its okay. what about you? how's your home life?"

"well, my mom is gone a lot. my dad lives in another state. my mom is always up in my business, she monitors everything i do. but she's also a raging bitch. she calls me fat/ugly/brat/spoiled etc." I said.

"oh, my dad is opposite. we kindof ignore eachother pretty much." She said.

"sometimes i wish she would just leave me alone and stop pretending to give a fuck." I said.

She pulled me into a hug and for some reason I started to cry.

It felt good to feel like someone cared for once, and I think Alaska did.

I stayed at her house all night, my mom was texting saying i was in huge trouble for not saying where i was.

I texted her back with "i'm with a friend. don't wait up." and tossed my phone across the room. it hit the wall with a thud and landed on the carpeted floor.

We were laying on the floor in her room. I was on my side facing the dark green painted wall. she was next to me, maybe two or three feet away, fast asleep. her bed was too small for both of us so she said she'd sleep on the floor which is apparently the "polite thing to do" but I suggested we both sleep on the floor.

So there we were laying on red carpet, a blue comforter on top of us.

I heard her groan in her sleep and shuffle around, until suddenly, an arm was around me. I stiffened and my heart began to race. God, my stomach felt like someone was tickling me from the inside.

I closed my eyes and relaxed my body and slowly drifted off to sleep.