all I wanted; ministar (discont.)

08

The thin journal found its way onto my desk. An old pen with a purple plume scratched at the cheap paper. This was my personal journal, equipped with my thoughts, daily adventures, and shitty love quotes.
But today things took a turn for the worse. I wanted to briefly address my blissful rush with the flames. It was only supposed to be a paragraph or two. It quickly escalated into so much more.
"I never knew how painful self hate could be, it's not like any other feeling in the world.
Maybe that's why the flames hissed my name, because their emotional enveloping was the only thing I could compare to the hate I had for myself.
I wasn't afraid of the scars but other people were. In their minds my well being weighted more than the melancholy life's they lead.
Especially him. He was the only one to put me before himself. My knight in white, blonde beast."
The poem was extremely sapping, I didn't like it so I deviled into my actually emotions.
"No one tells you how amazing fire feels on skin, that's because it's discouraged. Two seconds of pure pleasure, and a week of after care. I love it."
Stop fucking writing, Simon will find the book again. He only pities you.
You're such a disappointment
No one over the age of 12 self harms anymore
You're disgusting
At least you'll always have your pills
And that's when I lost it
----
"125k PACKS!! No time for an intro, let's get into this," I said starting my video. A few minutes in I was banging out some decent players, defiantly nothing compared to the blues I wanted though.
The video had just started but I could hear loud, angry crying. Being in the sidemen house I knew it was probably for a video. But this level of frustration was weird, even for us.
"Ehh just some shitty players. EA is trying to fuck me over," the loud crying continued. What the fuck was going on. I stopped recording and listened. The horrible cries were coming from Vikk's room. I went downstairs and into his room. I practically kicked the door in. Vikk was on his bed, body outstretched. His bottle of pills open, the inners scattered about the floor. His eyes were bloodshot, everyones cried to a point where they physically can't cry anymore. Tears cannot be produced because of the lack of water in your body. Vikk was past this point of crying.  His unsteady breaths were loud and raspy like. I scooped him up like a child.
"Vikk! Oh my god Vikks what's wrong?" I half yelled-half asked. Vikk couldn't get out a coherent sentence so I just rocked him back and forth. Kissing the top of this forehead a few times, then he finally spoke.
"I can't fucking do this anymore Simon."
"Do wha-what Vikk?"
"I don't want to live anymore. I'm a wreck my life is a wreck.."
"Stop it stop speaking such nonsense," I hold the small boy by the shoulders. "You're chatting shit Vikk."
He's still crying in my arms.
"I love you so much you don't even know it Vikram."
"No one loves me," he scolded turning away from me.
"I fucking love you, me Simon Minter. I love everything about you."
"No you.. dont!"
"How can you say that? Do I have to spell it out for you. You are my everything at this point and you leaving would hurt me so deeply," I paused, wiping a tear from his face, "I'm going to say it once more. You are my world."
"Simon.. Nothing is working anymore."
"Vikk, we will get through this together.. Just promise me you won't hurt yourself. I love you so much and I can't stand to see you like this."
He didn't answer, because he didn't need to. He couldn't promise because life is full of uncertainty, and he knew I hated liars. 
We sat there for what felt like hours just hugging each other. His chest moved up and down at a steady rate and I didn't want to interrupt it.
"Go get yourself cleaned up and we can just relax for a little bit okay," nodding he got up and left the room.
I felt so bad for Vikk, he was such a hurt person. He needed real help and I didn't really know what to do. There's only so many times you can assuage someone's pain before your words are just a broken record. 
----
I hit my hand on my desk.
"You're so stupid Tracer? Why does the opposing team have 3 of you?" I was screaming at this point. I was playing a round of solo Overwatch, my new addiction. No one was up to play with me so I just hit up a solo recording . After getting absolutely demolished in 3 rounds, I decided to just call it quits. People don't usually watch my solo videos, I'm the boring one remember?
I starting the editing process to make this video actually interesting. The raw footage couldn't be used, no one would watch it.
"Vikk!" JJ yelled barging into my room. I continued editing, waiting for him to speak. JJ obviously didn't take the hint, sometimes he was a little slow.
"Yes JJ?" It was kinda weird for him to just come in, our relationship isn't the closest. Usually I heard all the group information from Simon or Josh.
"I wanted to have a little party to celebrate my music tour. I know that I shouldn't but I want all you guys to have a little fun for once." Fuck my life. I absolutely hated parties. I'm a complete introvert while everyone here is loud and obnoxious.
"When is the party?" I ask trying my hardest to sound optimistic.
"I would say this weekend, so two days."
"Okay sounds great," I slip my headphones on as he leaves. This is going to be tough, I hate parties. Alcohol will obviously be involved.
An introvert + abundant amounts of alcohol + sexual frustration = a fucked up time and to be honest I don't think I'm ready.
Word Count 1028
alright sorry for being MIA but idk I just haven't felt like updating til now. I just haven't been feeling like myself lately, I'm sorry.  I hope you guys are enjoying this. Umm unrelated to this I need some Oneshot ideas and didn't want to put an A/N on the other book so just leave some requests here please. School is starting soon and I'm so fucking scared but writing makes me feel better.. ilygsm
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