all I wanted; ministar (discont.)

13

I decided that my safe zone was my room. Why leave the comfort of my beautiful room for people that only want to break me down? There's not much sense in that anyway. Everyone was playing the whole 'we are worried for you' card, honestly I'm sick of it. If you aren't going to actually help me get through this then I don't need your sympathy. It's useless to me. Harry was the only one actually checking in on me, and I appreciated him for that.
Yes I've continued to make videos, all of them excluding Simon. I can't even stand to hear his voice in a happy pitch when all I want to do is strangle him.
My skype was ringing off the hook, I looked up to see the guys getting ready to record a random game. I read the chat and saw the Simon was participating, welp guess I'll skip out on this one. Back to editing I supposed.
I was just mindlessly thinking about things. Well "things" could be easily pinned to one person and a copious amount of actions they performed. I was thinking about Simon and all the ways that night could have went differently. What if he had just admitting to loving me, imagine the world of a difference that would've made. We would be happy and I wouldn't be a sad, heartbroken bitch. Usually I'm not rude, I'm shy with a hint of sass but the recent events had let to a 360 flip in my behavior. I would never have categorized myself as a mean person because it just wasn't my nature. I wasn't too sure now. God all this thinking has left me hungry. I creek my door open a little. The coast was clear. I rush downstairs and creep into the kitchen. You're a ninja Vikk. My eyes were glued to the fridge. I pulled out a sandwich and turned to be faced by someone. I yelped, surprise by the other persons stealth.
"Hey.." Josh stood there just looking at me. He examined me. I'm not a fucking lab specimen so this was just plain rude.
"Hi.." God this was more awkward than when I used to talk to girls.
"I'm not even going to ask if you're okay because I know you aren't.. If you need anything please let me know Vikk," his wrapped his arms around me and I just stood there in shook. I hate hugs, Simon made me hate hugs.
"Thanks." I whispered before departing with my sandwich. To my dismay I wasn't even hungry anymore.
----
I started throughly reading the contents to the yellow notebook. At first glance I noticed that half of the pages had been ripped out, Vikk was probably scribbling on those. If you looked at the first few pages it depicted someone in love, hearts and cute quotes were scribed. Then you continued flipping to a bit larger section. This was the part where Vikk was supposed to write anything he couldn't tell me in person.

Simon
In all my years of life I've never met someone like you, you're just different and I love you for that. I've never been amazing at conveying my emotions, but you ignite something in me. Thank you for showing me what I'm capable of. I love you.
vb

Simon
Has anyone ever told you that your eyes are so beautiful. Like their probably isn't even a color worthy to represent them.
My eyes are just brown, and boring.
How could you ever fall for a loser like me?
vb

Simon
20 pills go in and out of my body everyday for the last two years. Countless chemicals and proteins floating in my bloodstream to keep me sane. But I didn't know that a nonexistent pill with your signature on it was the only thing I needed to be normal. When I'm with you nothing fucking matters. Depression and anxiety take the back seat while I'm upfront actually living my life. Thank you.
vb

There were a lot of cute notes in between, I couldn't be bothered to read all of them though, I already felt like a complete asshole, I didn't need anymore reminders. The last entry was written, I almost didn't want to read it, but I knew I had to.

Simon
I'm sitting here on the verge of a mental breakdown. Obviously I'm not strong enough to tell you this go to your face, because if we talk in person you'll just swoon me and try to win me back. And I really can't have that.
I'm just writing this to let you know that you killed me. Maybe not physically but emotionally you killed me. You took the best thing in my life and fucked it. I've never been as happy as these last few weeks have made me. Maybe I really don't deserve happiness. Maybe I do. I don't really think happiness exists anymore, and I can thank you for that. Please don't try to talk to me after this, it will only result in you grasping at nothing. Because that's all I want to be in correlation to you. Nothing
vb

I couldn't breath. The hyperventilating was taking over. My sobs felt like uncontrollable yells in the pit of my stomach aching to have a voice. I had no words for the writing that made me feel this way. It hurt so badly that physically I was trembling. The tears littered my face, stinging more than the realization of the pain I had cased. I ran out of my room and into the hallway. Without thinking I began pounding on Vikk's door. I needed to here his voice even if he didn't want to hear mine. After a lot of pounding I heard the knob unclick. I practically threw myself into his room.
"I-I- I know you don't want to talk but please please listen," we caught each other's gaze. The bags under his eyes were darker than usual. The bones sticking out of his wrist were more dominate than usual. This didn't look like Vikk, or at least the Vikk I used to know.
"I'm listening," he muttered, uncertainty heavier than the words he spoke.
"I love you more than the fucking universe itself. Vikk you're my wor- no fuck that you're my entire galaxy. I am nothing without you. You are the air I breath and the fucking food I eat to survive. For crying out loud you are oxygen because I can't live without you. "
"Simon." There was silence, the longest pause of my life,"I-I can't do this," he pushed me aside and just ran out of the house. I was left in Vikks room with the empty memories of the boy that once loved me and my sad excuse for human existence.
Word Count 1141
my first day of school was today and I'm beat :((
but I hope you guys enjoyed this. ilygsm thanks for all your support <3
*ee