Vindex *Stiles Stilinski* Book 2

Thantophobia

"Did you know the pain of a drowning person is mixed with an odd incredulity that this is actually happening. Having never done it before, the body and the mind don't  know how to die gracefully. The process is filled with desperation and awkwardness." I chuckle dryly in the uncomfortable chairs. "Along with the disbelief is an overwhelming sense of being wrenched from life at the most banal, inopportune moment imaginable. Hell he may even feel embarrassed, as if he's squandered a great fortune. He has an image of people shaking their heads over his dying senselessly. They  may feel as if it's the last, greatest act of stupidity in his life."

"So is that what you wanted Matt to feel? Stupid? Embarrassed? Awkward?" Ms. Morrell ask me.

"Basically." I shrug crossing my legs.

"What about the 9 year old Matt who drown?" She ask trying to pull on my emotions.

"That didn't kill him. He was still alive. So forgive me if I don't sympathize with a psycho. You know Stiles told me that his dad found pictures of Alison on Matt's computer, if that isn't weird enough he photoshopped himself in them. I'm sorry but a bunch of jocks shoving him in the pool shouldn't set him off that much, obviously he had so major problems before that." I say lowly. This whole situation has flipped my world upside down.

"Did anything positive come out of this?" Morrell ask me.

"Sure, I mean Derek and I are back on ok terms I suppose." I shrug looking down at my hands in my lap. "But something is still wrong, it's like we had some static or something. Same with Scott and Stiles." I mumble.

"Have you talk to them?" She continues questioning.

"No, not really. They have their own problems." I sigh thinking to the short conversations we've had. "Alison isn't really talking to Scott since her mom died. Jackson's MIA. Scott and I are on the fence about some things. Stiles is distant, I think he's still freaking out about the whole me almost dying three times in the last month. You know Lydia," I let out a scoff. "Lydia might be the most normal right now."

"And what about you, how are you dealing with the almost dying." Morrell ask quietly.

Again I let out another scoff. "Well let's see I was attacked by an animal, nearly died of a panic attack and let's see I had a gun pointed at me for hours the other day." I lie about two of my near death experiences. "But me I'm doing just fine." I throw out a fake smile.

"But how are you handling this?" She pushes leaning forward.

"Aren't you suppose to be writing all this down?" I ask changing the topic.

"I take my notes after the session." She answers me.

"Um you sure you can remember all this, I mean I've got a lot of baggage." I ask raising and eyebrow.

"Let's get back to you Devin." Morrell steers back to the topic.

"I'm mean I haven't slept much, but that's more of the fact that I don't have Stiles there. Then I mean there's the fear that at any moment that the way things have been going I can get a call saying someone is dead." I admit.

"Thantophobia, the fear of death or dying." Morrell says.

I shake my head. "Yes and no. I'm not afraid of personally dying, I'm afraid of people like Stiles, Derek, Scott, Lydia, and Alison dying on me."

"You can't protect them all." Morrell states.

"No, but I can fight like hell and try." I say looking up.

"But what if you get hurt?"

"It won't matter as long as I save them." I shrug looking down at my nails.

"But won't that hurt them more if you get hurt?" Morrell ask.

"Maybe, but they'll move on." I again shrug.

"Then why couldn't you move on if it happened to them?" Again with the questions.

"Because they would know there was nothing more they could do. I-I can ALWAYS do something."