Jamie spends half the day sleeping, reading, thinking too much, and aimlessly walking around the house. He waits till noon to tell Girlie he’s going to hang out with Jean later.She looks wary, and it takes a bit of convincing for her to say, “Yes, but you can’t stay out late tonight.” He agrees without a second thought.
Around 4:15 he receives a text from Jean saying he’ll be there in 20 minutes. Jamie holds his phone tight and wonders if all of this is a mistake. He calls Alexandria’s number only to hang up before it can ring, and stuffs his phone in his pocket. He always needs someone to reassure him, and he knows he won’t always have that.
He can do this on his own.
As he walks downstairs, he hears gravel crunching outside and an engine. Peeking through the window Jamie sees Jean parked in the driveway, and he calls out to Girlie that he’s leaving before going out the door. His feet drag across the ground and it seems to take forever before he’s sitting in Jean’s car.
There’s something about seeing Jean, for the first time in a long while, that throws emotions hard and fast at Jamie. He shrinks into his seat as he stares at Jean. For some reason he assume Jean would look different, but he’s the same. He has the same look and sweet smile he always gives Jamie.
“My mom’s been asking about you,” Jean chuckles. “I told her you’ve been doing missionary work in Nepal, but I don’t think she believes me.”
It’s so terrible and awkward yet Jamie laughs anyway and the anxiety lessens some. Jean suddenly grasps his hand, and Jamie wants to tell him how much he’s missed being able to touch him.
“ I’m glad you’re home,” Jean tells him.
******
Jamie knows by now that his heart’s rapid beating is completely unhealthy. So is his head throbbing like his skull might crack. He might be over exaggerating those things but it’s appropriate.
They park in front of Jean’s house and linger for some time in the car. Jean has his hands tight around the steering wheel, until they slowly loosen up and drop to his lap.
“It’s nice out,” Jean says. “You wanna go in the backyard?”
They walk down a stone-titled path until they reach Celeste’s garden, vivid flowers surrounding them. It makes the air smell sweet, and it comforts Jamie to look at them.
There’s a patio area in the middle of the backyard. They sit side-by-side at the table and Jamie’s certain his heart has burst a blood vessel, but he’s here now. There’s no turning back.
”Last night you said you were sorry,” Jean starts, “and I was so confused because I thought I was the one who was supposed to be sorry, to ask you to forgive me.” Jean’s smile is strained and he keeps tugging at the hem of his shirt.. “All I want is for you to forgive me.”
“But nothing’s your fault,” Jamie mumbles, looking up at him. “It’s me.”
. “Okay, we’re both sorry for something.” Jean doesn’t say anymore after that. When he leans his head closer so that their foreheads are almost touching, Jamie begins to lose his nerve as to what he wants to say to him.
Jean interlocks their fingers together and peers down at them. He keeps smiling, and though Jamie thinks he should panic, all he can feel is peace gradually spreading through him. He tightens his hold on Jean like he might slip away.
When Jamie speaks, his voice breaks at random spots, but at least he’s talking.
“I did trust you. I still do now. But I-I didn’t really trust me.” He keeps his sight on Jean and somehow he’s not breaking down. “I didn’t trust what would happen if I told you everything.”
“Like what?” He keeps tilting his head like he might kiss Jamie soon.
“Just everything. Even the things I haven’t told other people yet, like Alexandria,” Jamie says.
“Really?”
“Yeah . . . I’ll feel better if you promise me something.”
Jean doesn’t blink. “What is it?”
The world won’t explode and even if it does, Jamie thinks he’ll still be okay.
He closes his eyes.
“You’ll listen till I’m done. You won’t freak out . . . y-you’ll wait and not run out on me.”
Jean finally pulls Jamie into his chest, his arms wrapping around him tight. Jamie’s breath shakes as he takes in the way Jean’s warmth feels, and how he believes he can hear Jean’s heart beating steadily. Jamie feels anchored, feels safe. He almost forgets why he felt so nervous earlier, when Jean says, “I’d never leave you.”
This is the only place, the only person, which feels completely right. Jamie doesn’t hesitant to kiss Jean, and it’s perfect just like he remembers.
Everything will work out.
YOU ARE READING
Psyche
Teen FictionJamie's other name might as well have been Silent. He went to school, visited his therapist, daydreamed about Jean Paul, and tried to never be alone when his aunt's boyfriend was in the house. He kept to himself. He was fine with that pattern till A...
