It's you

CHAPTER T E N

Yein POV
2 days later. I haven't been able to talk to Jungkook. He isn't picking up his phone. That day, standing there, kissing him, I realised how much I still miss him, even after all these years of longing. When he walked me home, I thought about how our story could go on forever. How we could live the relationship we dreamed of all those years ago. How this was, and is, my fairytale.
Each time I called and he didn't pick up, I doubted. Did he regret it all? Did he forget his feelings?
But I can't give up on him. Now, after knowing that he too has feelings for me, I can't let go. I can't. I'm sorry Haeun, but I'm not going to let go. I'm not.
HAEUN POV
Six in the morning. School. I can't go. I'm not ready. Please. Please. If only there was a way for me to go back to the minutes before it happened, so I could stop it all. So I wouldn't be in this position in the first place. So I wouldn't  have to see them kiss. It's all my fault. Maybe I didn't love him enough. Maybe it was because I wasn't good enough. Maybe I'm just not worth it.
I lie in bed, staring into space. Curtains closed. Door locked. Heart, broken. I really am pathetic.
My mum knocks on the door.
"Haeun?"
I don't answer.
"It's okay. I know something happened. I'm here to listen, so I hope you aren't keeping all your problems locked up. You don't have to go into school today. Just..rest. It'll all get better, I promise."

I'm thankful, but how am I ever going to tell her about the hurt and the pain my heart is going through?
Each time she leaves a meal outside, I take it into my room, so she thinks I've eaten it. I do it to make her happy, but now I don't know if I'm pretending for my mother or myself. I don't deserve her love either.
Eating only one bite of every meal each time, barely able to swallow even that, I no longer have the energy to produce any tears. Why am I doing this to myself?

I don't know how to keep track of time anymore. Minutes? Hours? Seconds? Has it been days? Or is time just passing; my heart fills with more emptiness. Staring into space, falling asleep, waking up, staring into space. An endless cycle.

*Two days pass*

A knock on my bedroom door. "Haeun? It's me. Jungkook. You haven't been at school. Are you.. okay? I.. miss you."
Am I okay?
If I told you I wasn't okay, would you understand? If I told you that I hated you, would you realise? If I told you that I hate myself, would you know? Would you know why? Would you know the endless emptiness?

I'm glad my door is locked. I don't think I could take it if I could see his face and remember all the more vividly. How could I be so foolish? How can I be so foolish? Why am I doing this? Why am I so tired over this short lived romance? Why am I constantly, consistently, thinking about him? Why? Why? Why?
What can I do apart from stupidly wait for courage to find me?
I hear him leave after what seems like eternity.

Monday. It's been over a week since everything fell apart. I'm going back. To school. Today.
Dread. Fear. Anticipation. All at once, they fill me. Together, it is hate.

Arriving at school, I begin to feel scared. Scared of what exactly, I do not know. I want to hide. No. I want to leave. Far away. Anything to not have to face them.
As I open the classroom door, my friends engulf me in a group bear hug, saying things to me in a rush of gibberish, cutting each other off, interrupting each other in a jokey way. I try to smile at them, but I feel my face contorting into a grimace instead. No one notices. I glance up from my shoes to my desk, Jungkook's desk. Our desk. Yein is in my seat. They're laughing together.
Suddenly, my friend shouts "HAEUNNNN!!! LETS GO TO THE LIBRARY!!" Yein and Jungkook both look away from each other, at me. Jungkook smiles at me, almost timidly. Yein just stares, her look of happiness falling off her face slowly. She tries to give me a small smile. I let my friend drag me away with her to the library, not smiling back.