Still Waters

Chapter 57

It felt like slow motion walking up the stairs to the stage. There were three chairs next to the podium, three speakers, and Jasmine had placed me last. She probably knew that it would take me a minute to pull it back together after I saw everyone there. The wait was nerve-wracking at first, but with each woman that went up, I gained a little more confidence. It's funny how that happens. One person's story can validate everyone else's. Before I knew it, it was my turn and my body stood up and my feet carried me across the stage before my mind even knew that it was happening.

Sammie's little squeal "Mommeeee!" snapped me back into focus, and there was a rumble of giggles as she stood up on Shayna's lap and pointed her little fingers in the air like she was at a rock concert. I looked at her, and silently thanked God that she had made it this far. Then I put my fingers to my lips and blew her a kiss.

When I looked over at Kenney, I lost my breath. It had been almost a year since I had looked my friend in the eye, and there he was, in the flesh, looking right back at me. Sammie clapped loudly, and Kenney broke the gaze first, looking away with a smile.

Shayna looked like she was having a hard time trying to keep Sammie from climbing over onto Kenney's lap. My rambunctious baby had strategically made her way down the line and placed herself exactly where she needed to be to get where she wanted to be...with Kenney...and suddenly I took what I was about to say a whole lot more seriously.

Everything was crucial at that moment, as I weighed the depths, the fragility and the innocence of a young girl's heart. It was the pure, unadulterated, innocence that got me. I couldn't remember ever being that way, but I was sure that at some point I was. I wondered if my mother had feared for my little heart the same way that I feared for Sammie's.

"I was..." My voice came out strained and weak. I backed away from the mic, and then leaned forward and tried again. "I was nine years old the first time I fell in love. Give or take a few..." I looked over at my mom, guiltily. She quickly looked away, knowing full well that this was about to be a story that she didn't want to hear. Then I looked over at Kenney, who was now holding Sammie and watching me with bated breath. He wasn't sure what I was about to say either, and I could see the anxiety all over his face.

"But...I guess...this story is not as much about him, as it is about me and how I should have...gone out and seen what this world had to offer, instead of...you know..." I involuntarily looked over at Kenney and we silently shared a private joke that, in hindsight, wasn't all that funny.

He used to say that to me every chance he got. I should have listened.

"...Instead of jumping head first into craziness, I guess. But the heart wants what it wants, and if you don't learn how to get control of your emotions early in life, they will literally take over everything else you have going on..."

My eyes skimmed across the sea of girls. They were all listening.

"I thought I knew everything and had the worst attitude back then. But life has a way of humbling you."

I looked down at the podium like I had notes, but there weren't any. I realized then that Jasmine had caught me off guard because she wanted me to speak 100% from the heart. I had never told this part of the story before. I hoped the girls could take it. I hoped my mom could take it. Because the truth is, she really loved Collin, too.

"I was fifteen the first time my boyfriend hit me. Same guy. Well, he didn't exactly hit me. He just grabbed me and pushed me into a locker. By that time, I had already loved him for years, but I knew then that he had to go. I didn't have to put up with that, and that's what I should have stuck to. He moved away like a year later, and I didn't start hanging out with him again until college." I smiled at the unpredictability of life. "We ended up going to the same school."