The Miner's Wife

Chapter 4: Loss

Being able to feed my children, every day, in copious amounts, is overwhelming. My life has revolved around food for so long that thinking about anything else is difficult.

I watch my children change, day by day. Arrow smiles more and he's a lot more active. The rose color returns to his cheeks and he's energetic enough to spend more time playing. Ivy has been hungry all her life, and now she's finally able to put on some real weight. My milk becomes thicker and richer when my own diet improves, though it's not enough. But Ivy's thankfully old enough to eat solid food too, which increases her weight more than my own starved body could on its own. She nurses almost continuously when she's wrapped on my chest, as I work myself through the dirty hole that is Peeta Mellark's home.

It's not as bad as Haymitch's house, and for that I'm grateful. But it seems like there is a decade's worth of dust and grime in many of the rooms. There is only one room I'm not allowed to enter - the one at the end of the corridor, next to Peeta's room. I don't know what he keeps in there. When I asked him if wanted me to clean it, he just said it's not necessary, and that he'll keep the door locked to keep the children out. He spends a lot of time in there, though. Late at night, when he thinks that I'm asleep. Sometimes, he'll spend an entire day in that room and he won't even come out to eat.

His bedroom is a different, less scary kind of isolation. I hear him whimper in there at night. I was embarrassed at first, unsure of what the sounds meant. But then I realized that they were muffled sounds of fear, not pleasure. And that he'd probably be even more mortified if he knew that I'd overheard his... nightmares?

At least, I think they're nightmares.

When we've lived in the Victors' Village for a week, I ask Peeta when I can I give some food to my mother and Prim's family. He looks startled, as if he'd forgotten, but quickly nods. "Take as much as you need." He ordered a generous amount of food after we moved in. Four people eat a lot more than only one, even though one of them is very little.

I look down, chewing on my lip. "Is it okay if I... give Gale's family some extra food as well?" This was not part of our agreement, but I have to ask. Hazelle is my children's grandmother, and she has always tried to help me, even though I did my best to hide from her how bad things were. I knew she had so very little herself. Rory and Vick have helped too, even though they both have hungry and rapidly growing families. I know they are all starving, while we have real butter on the table every night now. Actual yellow, real butter, with a taste so rich I actually had a dream about it one night.

"Um... of course. How many siblings did Gale have?"

"Three. Only his sister Posy still lives at home since she's just 18."

He nods. "Of course. I'll order more food. It's not a problem." He looks down. "I know what it's like to be hungry too, Katniss." I open my mouth to say something, but he continues before I have the chance to. "I know what you're going to say. Starving for 16 days in the Hunger Games isn't the same as starving for half your life, or watching your children starve. I just wanted you to know that I've been hungry, too. Even though I'm from a merchant family, I'm from 12 too."

I smile softly at him, and let his words settle into my mind.

It's a cool spring morning. Before taking Arrow to school, I stuff a backpack full of foods that are fresh, salt cured meats, butter and pickled vegetables, but that will keep for a little while in the Seam. The children and I are just clearing the threshold of the front door when Peeta puts on his jacket and shoes. "Mind if I take a walk with you?" He asks me.

I shake my head 'no,' but I can't hide my confusion. Peeta pretends not to notice as he takes the backpack from my hands and slings it over his shoulder. It's full and quite heavy for me, but he lifts it as if it's weightless. I suppose he grew up carrying all those heavy flour sacks in the bakery. And I think he used to be on the wrestling team when we were in school.