The Miner's Wife

Chapter 10: The Mockingjay

Coming home to 12 is different than it used to be. The house doesn't smell empty anymore. I can tickle Ivy's round cheeks and hear her giggle, and see Arrow's ecstatic face as I give him the car I brought him from the Capitol. Katniss says he even takes it to bed with him.

Having the three of them here, in my house, makes the contrast between the Capitol and 12 even bigger than it used to be, and it's surprisingly difficult to deal with. The first few days after I come home, I spend hours in the shower as I attempt to wash every single molecule of Capitol perfume and make-up off my body. I try, but the memories can't be washed away.

Something has changed in the three long weeks that I was gone, even though I think Katniss tries to hide it from me. She talks even less than she did before, not to mention that she looks tired and pale. She seems distant, and she doesn't eat enough. My instincts when I talked to her on the phone were right. Something is wrong.

I go to visit Haymitch. I've brought him some liquor from 4, but he is already drunk, which is hardly a surprise.

"Peeta!" He gives me a bear hug. I've never understood why he does that. I think it must have something to do with our quasi-father-and-son relationship that has somehow evolved over the years, although my own father never gave me any bear hugs.

"Long night?" I say, looking at his red-rimmed eyes and the number of empty bottles on the kitchen table. I know he doesn't like to sleep in the dark.

"They always are." He tries to pour himself another glass, but I take the bottle from him.

"I think you've had enough, Haymitch."

He rolls his eyes but doesn't object. I wonder when the last time he shaved was. And looking at the state of his kitchen, I'm starting to wonder if I should find him a housekeeper as well.

"So, how was the Capitol this time?"

"Unbearable, as always."

"But you do bear it."

"Only because I have no other choice." Had I turned into a full-fledged alcoholic like Haymitch, I could have gotten out of these 'working holidays'. I wouldn't be desirable anymore. All that would be expected of me would be one trip to the Capitol a year, to mentor, which of course is unbearable in its own way. But at least I wouldn't have to fuck strangers. I was getting there... until Katniss and the children came along.

I grit my teeth. I haven't taken drugs since I left the train station in the Capitol, even though I have some pills stashed away where Katniss can't find them. Just in case.

"So, how... have things been while I was gone?"

Haymitch sits down on the only chair that's not covered in junk, puts his feet up on the table and opens the bottle from 4 anyway. "Oh, you know... They've been the same as always," he says after taking a large gulp straight from the bottle.

"No, they haven't."

Finally, he meets my eyes. "No, they haven't."

"What's happened to Katniss?"

He sets the bottle down on the table. "So you noticed, did you?" I nod. It was impossible not to. "It's finally caught up with her, Peeta."

"What's caught up with her?"

"Gale."

I guess I should've understood. Once Katniss was no longer in danger of starving to death and her children were safe, she would finally be able to take in her loss. Now that I know, it's even harder to look at her pale face as she tries to pretend as if nothing's happened. How am I, Peeta Mellark, emotionally stunted victor, going to be of any help to her? I've never actually lost anyone I cared about.