Fallen Heroes

Chapter Seventeen: Faded Memories

I sighed as the hallway shifted from the bunker back to my childhood home. It seemed to change to whatever I needed most. And right now, what I needed was Cas.

He was all I ever needed, but I was too dumb to see it. And my hallway wasn't going to bring him back.

I entered the kitchen, scratching the back of my neck as I yawned. Making a beeline to the coffee maker, I poured myself a mug and wandered to the back porch.

Sam was already sitting there, still in his pajamas. I frowned. That meant that he hadn't gone for his usual morning run. Which meant that something was wrong.

"Sammy?" I slowly sat down next to him.

He was looking down at his hands. I noticed that he was holding an old stuffed bear, one that I had picked out for him before he was even born.

Its fur was a light brown, patches of it shorter than the others. One of his ears was half burnt off, the result of the fire. The bear was the only thing we managed to salvage the night Mom died.

As he got older, Sammy named the bear Bean. He couldn't say my name right yet, so he settled for the next best thing. I smiled at the memory of young Sam curling up to Bean, one of his thumbs snaking its way into his mouth.

"Do you ever wish you could go back?" he asked suddenly.

I shook my head. "Where?"

His eyes didn't leave Bean as he spoke again. "Home. To the night of the fire," he paused. "Do you ever wish that you could change it? Change what happened?" His eyes lifted to the tree-line. "Save Mom?" Sam's voice was a hoarse whisper.

We were silent as I thought over my answer. "Maybe." He looked at me sideways, his eyes questioning. "I mean, if Mom didn't die, then maybe we wouldn't be brothers."

"What do you mean?"

I shrugged. "When you left for Stanford, I thought that I was losing you for good. I still can't believe that I managed to make you come back with me." He chuckled. "And I'm so sorry for that."

He finally looked at me. "For what?"

"For dragging you back into this life. I know you hated it, Sammy. You hated every damn minute," I shook my head. "But I was too selfish to put your happiness before mine."

Sam laughed bitterly. "I'll never regret going with you, Dean."

"No," I argued. "If it wasn't for me, you would be a lawyer. You'd be married to Jess and you'd have kids. You'd be happy, Sam." I took a deep breath as a tear crawled down my cheek. "You'd be alive."

He nodded, gazing across the backyard. "You're right. I would be alive. But I wouldn't be happy." I stared at him in confusion. "I'm happy because I'm here with you," he smiled, using my old nickname as he nudged me with his elbow, "Bean."

"You do realize that we're dead, right?" I asked, a smile creeping across my face.

Sammy shrugged. "I'd rather be dead with you than be alive and alone."

I looked to the tattered bear. "You wouldn't be alone, Sammy. You'd have a family, a job, friends..."

"Maybe so," he shrugged again. He smiled sideways at me. "But I wouldn't have you."

"Sammy, you big ol' sap," I grinned, lightly punching his arm.

He laughed and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. "Thank you for that, Dean."

"For what?"

He smiled, his hazel eyes sparkling the way they used to. Before Lucifer. Before the apocalypse, the leviathans, and everything else that we had done to the world. "For letting us become brothers."

I shrugged, his arm rising and falling with the movement. "Still. If it wasn't for me, Jess would still be alive."

"And if it wasn't for me, Mom would still be alive," Sam said.

"Sammy, you know that's not-"

He nodded. "Yeah, I know. But it's the same thing with Jessica. You can't blame yourself, Dean. You saved my life that night. And the night Mom died. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be alive."

"You're not," I reminded him.

Sam laughed again. "But think of all the people who are alive because of you. Because of us. You know what, Dean?"

He smiled at me as I stared at him in confusion. "What?"

"I'm proud... of us."