Fallen Heroes

Chapter Twelve: The Road to Nowhere

"Dean, it's been days. We haven't found anything yet. I don't know if we'll ever-"

I cut Sam off. "We're finding a way to get him back. I don't care how long it will take."

Sam gave me a look that said, "Let it go."

Glancing down at the large pile of books that I had sifted through and realizing that Sam might be right, I sighed and ran a tired hand through my hair. "Fine. We'll take a break. Come on, Cas. We're going for a drive."

He followed behind me, his head tilted in confusion--another thing I needed to commit to my memory. "Your number one Baby is in Heaven?"

"Of course she is," I said, patting a hand on her roof. "Wouldn't be Heaven without her. Come on," I smiled and got in. Cas shook his head, but slid in next to me anyways. "She's not my number one, by the way. Not anymore."

Cas blushed, looking down at his lap. "So, where are we going?"

I turned to look at him, "Wherever the road takes us." Cas smiled as he entwined our fingers together. Damn, he was going to make this hard, I thought.

It didn't matter anyway. I was poison for him. Anyone who gets close to me gets hurt. And I wasn't doing that to him again. I stole a glance at his face, his expression calm and peaceful.

If it wasn't me who he was with, I'd almost say that he looked happier than he ever looked on Earth. I turned my attention back to the road, sighing softly.

"What's the matter?"

I shook my head. "Nothing, Cas. Just thinking."

He nodded, looking out the window. "About what?"

"I don't know. About... everything, I guess." He hummed in acknowledgement, and I pulled into a park. I quickly sprang out of my seat and bounded over to Cas' side of the car, pulling the door open for him. "Ladies first," I gestured to him with a cheeky grin.

He smiled softly. "Then shouldn't you be going first?"

I laughed. "Fine. How about age before beauty?"

Cas narrowed his eyes. "That's not fair."

I stole a kiss from him before I ran ahead to the old swing set. "All is fair in love and war, Cassie!"

"But I do not understand! We are not in a war!" He ran up next to me, a large grin plastered on his face.

"Expression, angel boy," I smiled.

He tilted his head to the side, squinting his eyes in confusion. Damn, it was adorable when he did that. "Okay, then... Human man."

And another thing for the list: his undying innocence. Everything was a mystery to him, but he never stopped wanting to learn about it.

I laughed. "Another expression, baby." He nodded, finally taking a seat on the swing next to me. As I began swinging, Cas copied my movements, and soon we were going back and forth in perfect rhythm. "Look, Cas, were married!"

"No, we-"

"It happens when people are on the swings and match up in swinging," I explained. "It's not a real marriage."

Cas pursed his lips and nodded. "So, it's just an expression, human man?"

I laughed so hard I fell off the swing. As I lay on the ground, laughing my ass off, Cas knelt down beside me, panic evident on his face.

"Dean?" I shook my head, my stomach starting to cramp up. "Dean!"

"Fine," I wheezed, wiping a couple of stray tears from my eyes. "I'm fine." As soon as I looked at him, though, I burst into another fit of hysterics.

Cas rolled his eyes and laid down next to me, his head resting in the crook of my neck. "Would you ever want to do it for real?" he asked suddenly.

I glanced at him. "Do what?"

He shrugged, blushing slightly. "Get married."

A chill ran through my blood, goosebumps appearing across my skin. "Cas, look," I sighed, propping myself up in one arm as I spoke slowly. "I don't think I love you that way anymore."

I had been practicing that for weeks. Running every possible reaction of his through my mind so I wouldn't be caught off guard. But as soon as the first word slipped out of my mouth, I knew I was not prepared.

The way his face crumpled, the spark of life that had lit up his eyes was suddenly extinguished, the tears that sprang up in the corners of his eyes as my words slowly sank in. "Oh," was all he said. Even that was barely above a hoarse whisper, his voice trembling.

"Cas-" I started, immediately regretting the decision to force him to leave.

"Don't worry," he said, forcing a smile that didn't come even close to reaching his eyes. A smile that didn't reach his eyes meant that there were no laugh lines around them, one more thing that I'd never see again. "I understand."

He stood up and shoved his hands into his pockets, his shoulders shaking with the effort to stop himself from crying. My whole world came crumbling down as I watched him walk away.

I should've ran after him. Should've told him that I was lying, that I only said it to keep him safe.

But I didn't. And that choice has haunted me ever since.