Casual Affair

Unfaithful

It's been a month.

It's been a month and I still get butterflies when I look at him.

It's been a month and I still feel fireworks when we kiss.

It's been a month and I still feel his touch in my sleep.

It's been a month and I still fantasize about his eyes, and the way he looks at me.

It's been a month and I still want him. I still want Asher.

But...

I can't be near him.

I can't be near him without feeling disgusted with myself.

I can't be near him without wanting to tell him everything.

I can't be near him without wanting to start all over again.

I can't be near him without regretting everything I've done.

I can't be near him but want to be. I can't be near Derek.

Its crazy how much things can change in a month. I've fallen into this hole, this pit, and it's swallowing me. I can't escape. I don't know if it's because I don't want to escape or if I'm just not trying hard enough. I mean, Asher... Asher has been the only true love I've ever had. He's been the only person I've ever been in love with. I love Derek, I really do, but I've never been in love with him. Yet, I'm not even sure if this is love. I just thought the first time it happened would be the last time it happened. You know, exes hooking up one last time before fully getting over each other. I thought that we would be able to get over each other. I thought the night of the party would be the last time it happened. Then I couldn't stop thinking about him. I felt his touch when I closed my eyes and I felt his kisses in my dreams. Now is that love or is that lust I don't know. I still feel the same when I look at him as when I did when we were in a relationship. I feel happy and content and secure and warm and loved in his arms. When he looks at me I feel like I'm the only girl in the world that really matters... because I matter to him. Is this healthy? Is what I'm feeling... what I'm experiencing... is this healthy? Am I too attached to him? This isn't healthy... this isn't right. We're like dependent on each other. It's really like an addiction. This is crazy.

This is crazy.

You have a boyfriend. I have a boyfriend. I have a boyfriend who loves me. I have a boyfriend who I love.

I have a boyfriend.

I'm in a committed relationship. People don't sleep with their exes when they are in a committed relationship. No! This is wrong. Cheating is wrong. Cheating. Is. Wrong.

Think of Derek.

Derek.

Derek thinks that I'm literally perfect. He would never in his wildest dreams believe that I'm cheating on him. He probably thinks I'm at home studying or practicing or rehearsing for Julliard. He wouldn't even think that I would be sneaking next door with my ex boyfriend. He trusts me. He trusts me. I don't deserve his trust. I don't deserve his trust or his love or him.

I don't deserve him.

I have to end things with Asher.

I have to.

That'll solve everything. Asher wouldn't tell Derek what's been going on. How wouldn't. Maybe he'll even agree that it's best for all of this to end. Maybe he'll agree that this was a mistake...

But was it...?

Was it really a mistake?

YES!