Casual Affair

Break-ups(ongs)

My heart beat fast in my chest. I dreaded the moment Mr. Meyers would call me on stage. I dreaded this assignment. I dreaded this song. And I'm pretty sure I'm miss using the word dread. But seriously, I did not want to do this. I wanted nothing more than to be excused from this assignment. Except it was too late. The memories from this assignment were already in my head. The pain I had felt had already come back. Over the past week my brain has been filled with these painful thought I wish I could push away. It didn't exactly help when my boyfriend has been too busy to speak more than 2 words to me all week. He's gradually becoming more and more busy. I don't exactly know what's keeping him busy because he's too busy to tell me what's been keeping him busy. I've actually been feeling very lonely. Sad.

I guess that's good for this assignment. This assignment is suppose to be sad. This assignment is supposed to be hard. I am supposed to feel lonely and heart broken and pitiful. I am. Because this week's assignment is to sing a son about the most difficult break up we've ever had. And well seeing as I've only broken up with one person, and that one time has been probably the most painful experience of my life, it wasn't that hard to pin point one break up. The hard part was the song. I listened to so many sad songs during that time that I could probably fill up a record store with them. So I shuffled through the playlist, the heart brake playlist I still had on my laptop from all that time ago, and went through it. I sat and listened to every song on that playlist. It took me a couple days after school, but I finally got one.

If I could pick one song that described me throughout the whole time after the break up, and that's exactly what the assignment was asking, I'm pretty sure I would choose this one. This one song described how I felt every day for months after the break. This is the song I listened to the most. I swear there were days when I'd just listen to this son on repeat. Over and over again. Almost like it became my own personal background music.

Last Kiss by Taylor Swift was the one song I truly related to 100 percent. Just the beginning of the song where she says "You told me you loved me. So why did you go away?" I had wondered so many times why we broke up. Why he left me. Why we left each other. I couldn't quite understand it. I feel her pain when she describes how she remembers the little details of their time together, like the smell of the rain. I can remember almost every detail of every moment we were together like I'm actually there again. I can smell the carnival food when he took me to the fair. I can feel the cold of the snow when our families went on a skiing trip the Christmas after our first year together. But the chorus is what really gets me. The chorus, every time I hear it, makes me cry. It pangs my heart because it described me perfectly. I would sit in the on the floor wearing one the few shirts of his I still had crying. I didn't know if he missed me the same way I missed him. And everyday I would think that I'd never get to hug him again. Never be able to kiss him again. That all the memories that we've ever had meant nothing. That all the feelings I've ever had for him meant nothing. That the 2 years of my life that we spent together meant nothing. I didn't know how to forget about it. I didn't know how to forget about him.

I looked at his pictures sometimes and saw him smiling and I was happy that he was happy. I hoped he was happy at least. I couldn't really know. I posted pictures of me smiling and laughing and having a 'good' time, but deep down all I felt was sadness and pain. For months it was torture. I would have to pass him in the hallway at school. I would have to explain to my parents how we broke up. I could feel him forgetting about me. Not a single word. It was like silence had fallen upon us both and it was literally impossible for us to communicate. All I could do was hope that if I couldn't forget, that if I couldn't stop feeling the pain, that if I still missed him, that if I still loved hm, that he felt the same way. In the back of my mind I hoped that he felt even a little bit of what I felt all that time. And his friends said he did. In the beginning I would as how he was doing. At one point his best friend confided in me that he hadn't left his room for a week once. I don't want to say that made me happy, but I am going to say it made me feel satisfied. At least at one point after our break-up he felt the same way I did. He felt the same pain I did.