Casual Affair

"Perfect" Night

It's almost as if everything is back to the way it's supposed to be. Time has passed and I have been able to move past the memories of Asher and focus on being happy with Derek. I've been able to successfully stay away from him. He's stayed away from me too. I think he knows that it's best that we both move on. I mean, this entire situation was hurting him too. I do still miss him sometime, but I'm happy that I ended things between the two of us.

I've been spending a lot more time with Derek. I've started tagging along with him to him band meetings and practices. It gives us time together, even when he's busy. I think me accompanying him gives me a sense of "yea, he really is busy and not just ignoring you". I feel like sometimes I just need to know that he's there. I just want to be around him. More now than ever.

It might be the guilt talking. It might be the fact that when he touches me I still feel dirty. It might be the fact that when he kisses me I feel unworthy. I don't know how to be around him without feeling like the worst human being on the planet. I don't know what to do about it though. I mean, when I talked to Asher's mom she tried to help me with the situation.

"I don't know what to do anymore. I just can't be around Asher without wanting to be with him and I can't be around Derek without feeling dirty. But I want to be friends with Asher, because I miss him, but I also want to date Derek without feeling guilty 24/7." I said finishing telling her the story.

"Hold on sweetie. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the affair." Olivia said rubbing her temples.

"Well when you say affair it makes it sound so terrible." I said defensively.

"Well what do you call cheating on your boyfriend?" Olivia asked raising her eyebrow.

"Ok, fine you're right. It was so terrible." I said putting my hands over my face.

"I mean... I can understand where you're coming from or what you're thinking. Your boyfriend and you were having some trouble. There were a lot of fights and arguing and you were fed up with everyone being on your case all the time. Then Asher came along. He was something familiar. He was something comforting. He knew you... scratch that. He knows you. He knows what makes you tick. He knows exactly what to say to you to make you feel better or calm down or be happy. That's exactly what you thought you needed at the time. You started off wanting him as a friend because it's so normal to want to be friends with your ex. I mean you guys dated for 2 years. That's a long time to be with someone. You were attached. Then old feelings started to arise and you couldn't break away. You didn't want to break away. You were caught up in the feelings that arose from being with him. I mean he was your first everything. He was your first kiss, your first boyfriend, your first love. That's not something you just get over. That's not something that just disappears. You're always going to have a special place in your heart for Asher. You're always going to love him. You just have to state working on ways to control your emotions. There are ways of loving someone without being with them or wanting to be with them. Now you have to really think... Is it time to let go and move on, or was all of this a way of bringing you back to the person you truly belong with? That only up for you to decide." Olivia said placing her hand on mine.

"How do I know?" I asked, tears streaming down my face.

"Oh you'll know. Believe me... you'll know." She replied wiping the tears away with a tissue.

It's be a couple weeks since then and I still don't truly know. I think I really am supposed to move on. I think Asher was just a phase and it's time for me to put him in the past permanently. I feel like I do still want to be friends with him eventually but now is definitely not the right time. I need to stay away from him until I figure out my feelings and how I want to approach this situation.