Can I even communicate any of this anymore? Most of my relations romantic, sexual or platonic have been shallow and fleeting and dare I say exhausting. I lack quality personal connections... But wait... Even ones that seem more in tune often look right past me. It does not seem to matter if I know these people in person or am part of an online community or private message a moderator... I am intensely ignored... Says they reply in moments or a day... It never even says they open my messages.... Every post on a page or forum has a string of comments... Mine has none... I have a concern or something I'm scarred about or any question at all no matter if it's digital or physical I still get blown off... A long long time ago I was already burnt out but the day to day doesn't help... I don't know why but I still seem to seek and go the extra mile for exhausting connections... Then I'll throw them to the curb because they have sapped me of all thy energy... Sometimes I have little to nothing on my calendar for long periods of time... This can be depressing and take quite the toll on my mental, emotional and physical health... I will sleep far more than I am awake... I will not eat or keep the strength in my body... Which will cause me much distress as my ligaments are chronically weak and every part of me dislocates frequently.... When I lack obligations it is not good... Hence why I like to spend my time volunteering and what have you... When I have a full calendar I am happier... This can cause me to be a workaholic... And just like a workaholic I rarely put time aside for myself and self care... Sometimes by the time I have a moment to do something for myself I'm to tired... But more often than not if something is solely for myself I will see it as unimportant and always shove it off the end of the calendar and put others first... If it is solely for myself I have no drive or follow through for it... When I have someone or something to take care of I in turn take better care of myself... I feel happier and more fulfilled and as if I'm doing something useful with my time... And somehow sneak in there things for me... But I can do them if I can at least make myself believe they are not solely for me... In some way yes I suppose I am subservient... But allow me a few examples... I don't put the time or effort to make food for just myself... I make good choices but not the best for all the chronic health conditions that I have... But I am more than happy to make elaborate meals for special people and if they so desire a dish that I could not digest - and yes I mean I would vomit before I was done enjoying it - then I would make a nutritionally sound meal for myself too... Thus bettering my own health... I used to make soap but then I had no one to share the enthusiasm and creatively experimental ideas with and few people who didn't think it strange to receive it as gifts for no apparent reason so I haven't touched it since... It's not just what I eat, my hobbies suffer too... Recently I helped someone put up some fencing and I felt amazing because I helped someone with something important and made them smile... I received nothing for it except the results of the finished product... And that to me was time well spent... So yes, if something is solely for myself I lack drive and care and my mind will scrounge for something that someone else might need or enjoy... Ironically if I am busy I have more time... If I have someone or something else to take care of or more obligations I am more likely to take care of myself just that much more... Subservient, depression, loneliness... Whatever you wish to define it as... I don't know... People always scold me when I want to bring a puppy home... But I can spend time volunteering... Maybe that's why I work in alternative health... I burnt out a long time ago... And sometimes I think I might almost be able to trick myself into believing that I'm not a candle that can't be lit... But not quite... I can laugh and smile and just barely keep pushing forward... But I feel ultimately disconnected from myself and everything around me... Fake enthusiasm is can be easier than being genuine... I feel like the light in my eyes has been snuffed away... Only here or there can I remember a glimpse of transcendence but too fleeting it was... Even though the memory and bliss forever remain deep in the waters of thy soul. The warmth something I seek... There's many things that tax my soul that is not part of this entry but indeed... Whether you want to label me with a disability I don't know... Nor honestly do I care... And most likely neither do you... But I find it helpful and healthy for me to be as the words of another online... Subservient... As I can never seem to do anything for myself unless it has someone else in mind... Then... I can do anything.
My health is very poor and disabling as of late... I can only hope I am in need sooner than not... I would so much like to do the things I want to do... I'm unsure how clear this entry would communicate to anyone... I am by default... Nocturnal... And this is the roughly the time of dawn... The end of my wake... Ganesha, Pan, Diana, Bridgett.... And many gods and goddesses I am to numb to name... And if you're still around... Dakota... The only name I have to my spirit guides who I never would have made it here without.... Help me...
