I'm exhausted of the people I've known. the things I've been through. things I've failed to do. the way that people of treated me and the way people of left my life because they weren't getting something that I didn't want to give them
I'm tired of being used and abused pushed around and pushing others around I'm tired because I got jumped around to several different elementary schools almost didn't finish middle school I jumped around for several different high schools I am essentially a college dropouts and and now this opportunity that I came all the way back to California for the people that are sort of at the top of this opportunity don't seem to have the follow through and I left something early to come back so I have nothing in the pipes I have I'm on a blank slate and I'm starting from nothing and I'm trying to completely completely be in another town but I wasn't in prior to anything and it doesn't seem like any of it's falling through for me just none of that none of it is working and now I don't know I'm back to the drawing board and back to square one what the fuck am I supposed to do? Growing up I sort of had to be an adult first you know I had to I had parents that were there and they put a roof over our head and food on the table but they weren't really there even when they were there and you known and that makes me who I am today and that's OK I am OK with who I am today but life has been rough. Some people that know me needs say that I am fiercely independent scary even butts you know and there's people that might say that I am free-spirited and you know there's people that I've also seen a much more gentle side of much more uplifting patient side but there's also people that knew me for not being quite so patient and you're either going to jump on board and keep up or you're going to get left behind because that's kind of how I live my life and this is accurate just as any other view of myself that I have or anyone else has of me is just as accurate potential he has anything else you know there's a weird part of me that it's sort of seas myself sometimes as subservience if you well and you know that's not Messerli not accurate but I definitely I'm not really I'm not dependents you know i'm not dependence in the kind of way that would make it a problem necessarily I would say that it's more like I've really burns the candle at both ends and I can't really on the candle that can't really be lit anymore so I've sort of come to a point where I have a really hard time doing things that are solely for myself and so I do things I like to do things anyway that make other people smile that make other people happy because I'm sort of burned out and you know seeing that I've made someone's day no through volunteering or helping someone directly or whatever it may be I sort of I'm able to kind of touch the sunlight that it encompasses them just for a moment and I just barely keeps me going and that's I suppose could make me somewhat subservient. I have been treated poorly by many people in my life they've sort of used to be like oh like you know just get Renee to do it or you know you're always something whatever they can get from me you know complete use and that can be exhausting I know it I see it and I only put up with peoples bullshit for so long and there's also just kind of you know people that are exhaust exhausting in other ways but you know there's there is also been lots of people who I have had to tell them they cannot be a part of my life they're not allowed to be a part of my life and then there's also people that have lots of people that of left because well I am I fall into the asexual Spectrim the Demi spectrum more so than anything and a lot of people have a been left out of my life because one is it because as soon as they figure out that sex isn't on the menu they no longer have the interest and that is exhausting to. I have finished an accomplished very little seemingly so in regards to pretty much Chino even just the things that I've attempted to do school I have Jaslie didn't have good luck you know different things that I've attempted to do when whatever I obviously didn't have good luck and I relatively just sort of barely let me know I'd I just struggle through life and I just kind of barely sort of make it not really. I'm not really sure what defines what a friend is and I'm pretty skeptical of most people I know it just seems that so many things are shallow and it's that kind of thing I just don't really know and I'm too exhausted to really have actual enthusiasm about anything I just I mean biologically I would be considered relatively young but I'm tired and I have been for a long time. I might be one of those save the rain forest kind of people but you know every day something is happening land Forest nature things getting destroyed things we haven't even studied going extinct animals that going extinct money is a man-made obsession and it controls the modern world whether people want it to or not. It supports greed and power and greed Christ and it's stunts some movements forward in life it's causes roadblocks and problems for people who have incredible potential and end it just creates so much headache and the expectations attached to modern society are just incredibly disgusting. We're destroying ourselves as the human race the earth that we live on and everything else that lives on it's because we have to fix it or have some kind of upset Chin over something or something some kind of of session over something obsession over something and I don't know why we can't just leave nature as is I get it that money is a mode of convenience and modern things are convenient so we can do other things instead of crafting pots and tilling the field and things like that so we can advance in these other areas but my god are we ever going about it wrong. Or rather if not wrong because many things have been discovered by going down this route but we are choosing to continue to do things that are distractive two are very very livelihood. As besides this kind of stuff you know more on my personal life I suppose besides getting bumped around to several different elementary schools and high schools and fucking up in college and in other things I've tried to be a part of been having really shallow and exhausting relationships with pretty much everyone I know and not really what's in the world do I even say I mean I'm tired I'm exhausted and this is such a complete understatement of everything I could be saying but it is interesting to vent in this way. Not to mention that my day to day day health since I was four years old I have had several problems with everything in my health and I still live with several conditions every day I gave a doctor for pieces of paper with two columns on each side of each paper and I told him these are the conditions I live with every day what do you make of it is there any suggestion suggestion that you can give me I have gone to any. Any and every kind of doctor I can imagine over the last several years and they have all turned me away and said we can't help you we don't know or take this pill or oh your results you know in this or that test, normal well then tell me why the hell do I still live with all of these things? And this doctor that I recently so he may have given me some interesting information and I am willing to see where it goes but I have no guarantees about anything. Growing up my parents were sort of always absorbed in themselves you know they put a roof over our head and food on the table but they weren't really there even if they were there you know they weren't emotionally supportive they just did a Knouff so that in the public eye they were seen as good parents but they weren't really much of parents my mom granted I mean my mom was a stay-at-home mom for her for the younger parts of my childhood you know but she went back to work and that was not in my dad always work from home but he was interesting. He would spend time you know working in his little corner or whatever you know and it was just sort of odd he was very he's very and still is extremely self-centered but he likes the limelight not the spotlights and you know like he has to be there but he doesn't want to take responsibility for anything and I would have I had several pets growing up that sort of took Took the place of the whatever I didn't get from these people and he would Yellit me saying that I don't know how to take care of these pets or whatever you know or I'm not doing it right or whatever it may be and he would basically Compton skate them from me but then he wouldn't take care of them and so my mom would and then I was essentially out of my own pets. My dad was the very end is still a very loud of noxious highly opinionated he's right you're wrong kind of person and I very much do not like him. I spend a lot of time of my childhood sitting there laying in the middle of the floor in my room with the door closed and I didn't really have a whole Lotta toy is my brother was the one who got all the books and he got a new computer for my aunt knuckle every year and he had the Legos in the microscope in the whatever I didn't have as much access to anything of that sort and so I started to develop a hand for a creative writing a very young age and though I was writing fiction and that kind of thing I realize that I was pulling a lot of things from the real life and it was helping me understand cope and deal with and come up with solutions and things like that to things even though was fictional people. Fictional world and everything like that so there was not in but you know there were some good things like my mom's mom she would take me and my brother to paint ceramics and little ceramic shops and occasionally and there was one occasion or my mom sent me and my brother on either side of the stove and we dipped strings into a pot of boiling wax to. Make candles but that only happened once and we had a fig tree in the backyard that was very memorable we would climb up there and pick figs eat them right off the tree and my mom would make jam and my dad's parents sometimes would go visit them and I grew up learning how to play golf but for the most part you know in the happier memories are sort of far and few between but it's you know but then there was the interesting stuff you know this consisted of more like for some completely unknown reason unknown no one could be bothering him but it's for some reason my dad would snap sometime or something I don't now and he would suddenly just come up and usually restrained strangle that kind of thing and like sit on me are up against a wall or something to that effect and you know it and I don't know he just wanted and my mom would sit there and act like none of this was happening at all unless we were in public and then my mom would Yellit my dad and say you cannot manhandle your daughter in public and it became kind of funny to me and one of my oldest friends we would giggle and say ha ha Ha in public which is interesting so but they're not they were always just kind of absorbed in themselves and you know my brother was the successful super intelligent one multiple languages instruments you know Ann's and the kid that passed all four years of calculus before his senior year of high school you know join the military has you know does some soup or whatever job you know you keys that kid. But generally have been treated pretty awful by most people that I know you know there's been people that have used me for say to do pretty much everything for them I've known a group of people who basically they frequently just wanted me around because the eye I could do things for them and I could drive you know do all the driving on trips put my money down on hotel room. Tokarz food Tina before rental cars and food and things you know and different things you know before during and after the trip oh can you get this and do this and blah blah blah blah blah and you know then I have an yo can you pay for these fancy restaurant plates of food you know that so and then after the trip these people in the basically they were like oh we bought trinkets and stuff to pay off her credit cards and so. So obviously at some point I didn't put up with that anymore and I told him off and said hey you can be a part of my life etc. so there's that and then there's people who you know typical stuff where I've known lots of people were very needy and clingy you and you know I Kinda had to hold their hand through everything the kind of going to be there mom and that was exhausting and you know then there's people who highly valued sex to the point where where I was like you know I basically when I was done doing the obligatory sex they pretty much through little bitch fits and/or I told them that they're not allowed to be a part of my life or they were like OK well that was all I was interested in and they update all disappeared and there's people who just you know are interesting in there as you know that one guy who decided to completely just like that was definitely super non-consented but you know most those people I didn't really say yes or no and I don't really hold them to anything and don't blame you know it just it just kind of was what it was and then there's you know that that creepy person who says they're not it's after something or another but they don't really treat you very well and they're just you know I'd I don't even know how to explain some people and I don't know it just the general disrespect you know that I've had so and then thankfully I would like to believe that there have been a few decent or good people you know more and more less recently in my life and I don't know it just sort of is. Although once upon a time I was best friends with this guy for several years we kind of grew up together the closest thing I had to a childhood friend but I mean I was I mean that the closest thing that I had to childhood friend really truly really I mean one and I mean I can't even butts.... Anyway we were close for several years and then all of a sudden you know I could've completely misinterpreted the whole thing but all of a sudden it seem like he suddenly refused to acknowledge my existence like suddenly just one day I didn't exist at all and I completely lost it and I dropped off the face of the earth for Exemouth of time and and you know I came out of it and you know started to try and live my life and things like that and I felt I could confidently say that he could never knock me down that far again and there was a point where I suddenly just in the middle of a casual day I just suddenly felt that last string disappear like he was no longer controlling my day-to-day life I was like amazed and I felt like someone had taken a hammer and just shattered glass like it was fast it was sudden it was wow. You know and during this time that we were not in the contacts you know these things happened but I also felt that maybe actually it's better and I'm happier that he's not a part of my life but right when that last string just sort of was like wow he is not controlling my day-to-day life anymore - Rights well about an year about roughly a year off right after that point roughly a year after that point which he contacts me out of thin air and he just sends a little thing and by the time he contacted me it had been approximately six or 6 1/2 years since since we had spoken heard from her of what lease since anything any contact with him and I literally just kind of I laughed I was like what does he want after all this time you know And and I didn't touch the end I didn't touch the message request for an entire month and I didn't really think about it and then a mutual friend of ours gotten a car accident and I drove her around for a little bit and so this was at the end of August that he contacted me and she was in an accident at the end of September and you know I mentioned it sort of. Consulting her you know saying you know should I even touch this I went through a lot of damage the first time around and I consulted a few other people and they all said yes talk to him and she in particular was it an extremely excited about this and I still am not entirely sure why she's so incredibly excited like 50 times as excited as I am but I would imagine it's good because during those like six years they would've been close I think the six years that you know we sort of me in the sky sort of finished from each other's lives they would've been close but I knew both of them prior but separately mostly we never hung out as a trio I hung out with him I hung out with her she hung out with him you know on that kind of thing but we all know which other. So it's been interesting in progress I don't really know what to say about it except that I have no dependence on him I love him yes absolutely there is no doubt about that and there's nothing I can do about it you don't get to choose who you love it's true but I have no dependence and I am not afraid of losing him I am not afraid of walking away from him I would say that my biggest fear of any of this is actually that he's the only one who's going to get hurt this time around and I fear that because he's a little bit and you know our situation is unique and delicates and he is sort of a shy a sensitive delicate kind of person anyway and he's a little bit submissive you know and I'm sure if you wants me to take charge of the situation but you know so some people made some good points and you know that between this Notten whatever stuff has happened recently basically someone said that he needs to do the growing up that I've already done and to some extent I can definitely see that and to be completely honest if he doesn't keep up if he doesn't jump on board while I am moving forward you know pushing forward with my life he's going to get left behind and I am willing to see where this goes I'm willing to give them a chance I'm willing to see where this goes even if it goes nowhere one of my oldest friends that is known me as long as I've known him really I mean I met both of these people like 12 years ago or something like that and her advice to me was of course the words I had for myself it's just shows how much she knows me two words be careful and of course I know you know of course I'll be careful so I'm definitely willing to see where this goes He just either needs to step up or step aside because I think he's the one that's going to get hurt this time this whole situation really has come full circle and I do realize that if he does step up to the situation that's having a having a come full circle means intern at a later point in the future I could be the one taking some damage down the road he asked recently what is he to me and I gave them a very honest answer I said will once upon a time I would've considered you one of my very best friends and I believe you still hold the spot second to of course the girl that I grew up with not the mutual friend of the girl that I grew up with and you know I said I love you and that's a very true statement right there but you know I said I love him and I'm willing to see where it goes even if it goes nowhere however someone has given me the two cents to say that I need to ask him I need to at least pose the question you know because he asked what is you know what is he to me but you know almost in oh and he's basically asking which I'm sure he's trying to figure out where he stands you know but if he wants me he wants me to define where he stands but really I was informed that I should really prompt the question you know where do you feel that you stand in our current situation and where is it that you want to stand? All good all good advice I have not yet posed these question because I have not yet post this question but I'm giving it some time because he might be a little bit sensitive to the idea that I do have more or less kindly relationships with some friends and so there had been some evidence such and so I am sort of giving him a little bit of time to sulk before I post these questions because he does sulk a little bit and then he always did. And the interesting thing is this really just solidified the foot part of my philosophy a little snippet of it is that you can's you can't force someone to love you and you can't force yourself to love someone you don't. You can't push what is in there. But this little Feise the idea that you can't always choose to or rather that you do not choose to love someone and you simply do. You know what's interesting is I really commend him for taking the step making the move to contact me after like 6 1/2 years that's huge and quite frankly I wouldn't have had the balls to do it but it's you know even though I love him like a much in there is like a red Red box just painted in in the air so imagine that that red box is full at one point in time because we were really close now imagine no at this current point in time that there is a little bit left there's a little bit off to one side because I love him I still have some of that bond attached to him but the rest of. Rest of it is something that he would have to work back up to what you would have to but we would have to build what we once had back up you know I sort of he sort of shattered me Innoway Ann's and you know and it would just have to be built back up. And relate to be completely honest I'm not so sure I even wants our connection to become anything to go anywhere to be anything to develop I am not sure it's interesting sometimes I read something and it says don't make someone a priority in your life if you are in option in theirs and to be completely. Be completely honest he is more of an option in my life at this moment he has the potential to be a priority but is not at the moment so if he doesn't put some work into it I'm sorry I'm going to go down a little path in my life and he's going to get left in the dust. Though my life has many unfortunate things that I do not have nearly enough time to go into a whore would you even care to hear but I don't I wouldn't change any of it all of it has made me who I am who I am today and I'm OK with with that And no matter what seems to happen I have a tendency to land on my feet so here's to whatever life throws at me you know part of my philosophy is don't worry about too much just keep smiling what what what will be will be and snatch opportunity as it presents itself live life in the moment. This is a heavily on edited piece here it is not quite for everyone to read there are many many many typos as I'm not going to put its claim her at the beginning because I imagine that many people probably will not read this whole thing but that's OK because this series sit here really isn't designed to be entertaining to other people it is simply a place for me to be a little bit crazy and to simply just say things or vent or something it's rather odd I cannot defined it yes I am completely aware that this is probably a very difficult piece to read but that doesn't matter
