Where Are My Words?

here, at rock bottom

There's this churning in the pit of my stomach.
A twisting knot that makes me condemn myself for being sick;
but I am not.
For it is only a feeling in which my vision fades to black,
my heartbeat races,
and I feel like I'm forever falling into a breezy pit.
A deep dark hole where I'm falling, facing the sky;
the clouds poured onto the baby blue canvas,
the stretched, fuzzy, black m's that I imagined as birds during my childhood.
All of it is no longer visible.
I'm still falling,
the hole swarming me in darkness.

I land on my feet,
at a place they call Rock Bottom.
The ground is just like home.
But everything is like a black and white color pallot.
The flowers are dull and lifeless,
as if they were on a page left uncolored.
The birds do not chirp their songs of joy;
the only songs they sing are low,
songs of pain and sorrow.
The trees are droopy like they are deprived of sleep.

Here at Rock Bottom, everything is ice.
My heart is accustom to the chill,
but it slowly pumps and in return my body can't feel a thing.
My brain can only bring up past memories;
times when I was up top,
not here, down at Rock Bottom.

Everything here plays like a movie.
It's dark and my memories flash upon the cave walls.
I sit back against a droopy tree and I watch.
I watch and I breathe,
I breathe and I smile,
I smile and I laugh,
I laugh and everything comes to life.
My happiness fuels the spirit of Rock Bottom.
It's as if Rock Bottom was meant to obtain my feelings.
The trees slowly brighten and curve upright.
The flowers, oh gosh, they're so beautiful;
shades of pink, red, purple, and white
The birds chirp to themselves and they sound delighted.
Light peers into the deep hole and I can't help but feel overwhelmed.
This cave is healing me.

I stop laughing and the air still feels fine.
It takes a few hours for the life to drain away.
Then I go back to crying,
tears dripping off my chin like rain on a window pane.
I remain in Rock Bottom for longer than I imagine.
However, the longer I stay the happier I get.
Now this cave is prettier than it used to be.

Rock Bottom isn't the same as the rumors up top.
This place is here for a reason.
Before I visited Rock Bottom, I was depressing.
Now that I'm down here, I've learned a few lessons.

Your life is only what you focus on.
Want to be sad? Then cry,
tell yourself it sucks.
But Rock Bottom will swallow you,
you will be where I am.
My time is almost over down here.

When you can maintain the beauty, then you can leave.