Where Are My Words?

to think

There's been a lot on my mind.
However, I don't have much to turn to
when school becomes my days
and work consumes my evenings.
I'm busy now.
I can't pull up this screen,
nor can I type out the thoughts on my mind.
I type essays instead.
Theme is the central message of a piece of text.
I don't have time to draw freely,
even as one of my classes is Art.
I'm blocked behind a wall of cards.
Each card is another thing to do,
or another thing to think about,
or another thing to replace myself with.
The wall of cards keeps growing
as does my stress level.
Stress doesn't fall too far behind the speed of the wall.
It must be a professional rock climber.
Everyday I watch it make its way up,
then slowly come back to the soothing ground,
only for a bit,
a small period of time where I'm unconscious.
Then, it climbs back up for another day
of racing the wall.
There are 31 pairs of spinal nerves that control the sensory and motor signals throughout the body.
I am starting to grow sick again.
No, it's definitely something else.
Maybe it's all in my head.
Maybe it is the stress.
I got better.
What's happening now?
Is it my sleep?
Ever since school, I haven't been able
to feel energized in a while.
Exhaustion creeps across my body so early.
I need to sleep again by ten.
My brain can't work as early as eight o'clock.
My brain doesn't work right at a normal time.
"Sweater" in Chinese is 毛衣.
这是我的毛衣.
I've been telling myself those negative words.
I want to die,
I say.
This year will be the year I kill myself,
I say.
I can't seem to do anything right,
I say.
What else do I say?
Has that become all I've known?
Why do I do this to myself?
I only make it harder for me
and I understand that.
Though the reason you worry is because I worry,
it is different things we worry for.
You worry if I'm okay,
when will I stop treating myself this way,
how will I get better.
I worry when it will stop,
what bad thing comes next,
does anyone even like me.
The limit as x approaches 2 from the right is positive infinity.
Will I ever be positive?