fugue // stucky

12. Hard As Metal

this chapter gets very dark and very serious, and im gonna put a suicide trigger warning on it. it goes very deep into buckys mind and how he's actually feeling.

---

"Who's Rumlow?" I ask as people rush in. He hangs up and starts mumbling to some men in suits.

"He used to be an undercover HYDRA agent. Fury's right hand," Tony says loudly so I can hear, then turns back to a man with short brown hair and nudges his head toward the door. The man nods and leads the squad out. I hear a chopper start up on the roof. Tony's fast. Really fast. I find myself in awe at how he built himself up from a hand-down weapons manufacturing facility into a trusted and scheme-less organization.

"How did he find me?" I wonder, wanting some reassurance. He pulls a piece of glass out of his pocket. I cock a brow and he taps it, making it come to life with diagrams and pictures and maps. My eyes widen.

"I don't know. We will find out, okay?" He says lowly and places a hand on my shoulder. I almost jerk back out of pure reflex. "I need your help though," he continues. I nod and swallow, "do you remember where you left him?"

I think, "near Steve's apartment. A couple blocks down."

He offers a small smile, "good. Thank you." Then he pulls away and lifts the minimalist phone to his head, muttering, "I need a half mile sweep radius around Captain Rogers' apartment. If he's not there, scan CCTV."

He puts the phone down and looks at me, "it'll be okay. You're safe. Where do you live? We can keep undercover guards-"

"I can handle myself," I butt in, not wanting the extra effort to protect me.

He huffs, "if you insist, hot shot. I'll call Steve and let him know. Go rest."

I nod and head out of the door, then stop. "Thank you, Tony. For everything," I whisper.

"Awh, getting soft on me?" He barks and I scoff.

"I'm as hard as metal."

I smile to myself at my joke and can tell he's grinning too. I take the opportunity to step out, quickly pressing the button to get to the first floor and walking briskly out of the building.

Suddenly, I'm filled with rage. Why won't they leave me alone? They brought me into this hellish world. They kept me in that freezer. How would they like it if I did that to them? They breathe down my neck. I can't escape. No matter how many times or how hard I try to start a normal life they come back and take it away from me. Every time I start to become me, they rip it out. They shock it out. They punch it out. Whatever they can do, they do it to scare me back into my obedient terrified cowardice form.

I let out a low grunt and squeeze my fists, pretty sure that blood starts leaking under the half moon cuts from my fingernails. Why do they need me so much? Just replace someone else's arm with lifeless metal for Christ's sake.

I know that I should go to my apartment, but instead my feet carry me to the gym.

I approach it quickly, not looking to either side of me. My eyes focus on the vacant punching bag hanging idly in the middle of the floor. I scream and let my left fist power into the sand filled vinyl.

The bag swings, and I send another fist into it. Another. Another. My flesh hand hurts. I power through with my robotic arm until my sweat is mixed with tears. A sigh sags my body, and I take a step back, looking at the bag. Without a word, I turn on my heel and finally head to my apartment.

I'm cautious to listen inside before entering, wondering if anyone's in there. As soon as I'm in, I check for bugs. No microphone or camera sits visible and I finally take an easy breath. Home. This place never felt like home before. It barely does, but right now I need to be isolated. I need to be alone. I need a home.