Things just haven't been the same. Since that night, things have just been so different. He can't look at me without remembering what I did, and I can't get the sound of his broken heart out of my head. And yet, we remain together. Both living in a world of lies, trying to make sense and get it back to the way it was. But I'm pretty certain that there is nothing I can do to fix it.
I try calling Madison. She is the only one that I know I can turn to right now. But she's so busy, and I'm no longer a patient of hers, so she has no time. I don't blame her. I wouldn't pass up the chance to rid my life of such a horrible person either.
I have my interview today. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to go back to before this all happened. The healing wounds on my wrists act as a constant reminder of just how far I've fallen. How am I supposed to get through this talk without bringing that up? How do I stay positive when my heart feels so heavy?
Stood in front of the mirror, I take a good hard look at myself. I look exhausted. No one's going to want to listen to me, hear my story. This was a big mistake...
“You look fine.”
I see Glen's reflection behind me. He's smiling at me, but I can see the pain in his eyes. I have to look away, remorseful of his decision to stay. I hear him sigh, a sound full of all the unsaid words between us.
“I forgave you, Danny,” he says. “I've put it in the past. You need to move on too.”
“You haven't,” I mumble. He doesn't answer. When I look up, I see that he's looking at the floor. “I can see it in your eyes. Every time you look at me, all you see is a monster. My hatred in my eyes from before. The blood on my skin from that night. That's all you ever see any more. You can't see me, the real me.”
“Yes I can,” he mumbles.
“Then why are you looking away?”
He lifts his eyes and my heart shatters. The sadness and suffering glisten in the tears that don't fall, amplifying it even more. It makes my chest tighten and I gasp, struggling to breathe for a moment. I hang my head, trying to work out how exactly to breathe again.
“I don't know what you want me to do,” I hear him say shakily.
“I want you to love me.”
“I do love you.”
“It's not the same. You don't want to be here.”
“Yes I do.”
I spin around furiously, letting these god damn tears spill over once again.
“Why are you lying to me?” I wail. “Why can't you just tell me the truth? Tell me how much you want to leave! Tell me that you would do anything to get out of this!”
Anger flashes in his eyes and he's in my face.
“I am doing everything to make this fucked up relationship work!” he shouts.
“But it's not working!”
“Of course it's not! You stopped any chance of it working the second you decided that it was a good idea to stop taking your medication! I still don't understand why you even stopped in the first place!”
“I didn't think I needed them!”
“And look how that turned out!”
“I'm trying to sort it out!”
“It's too late!”
The words ring through the air, mingling with the sound of our heavy breathing. We stand there, looking at each other. The tears in his eyes finally fall, his jaw locked so tight that I can see his muscles flex with his anger and I realise that I don't recognise the man in front of me.
“It's too late,” he repeats through gritted teeth. “You made your choice. You decided that being ill is much more important to you than any relationship you could have with me. And now I have to live with your decision.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I ask, unsure of whether it's anger or woe that I hear in my voice.
“I can't leave,” he snarls.
“I've just told you that you can go. What the hell is stopping you?”
“The last time I left, you tried to fucking kill yourself!” His voice breaks at the end, and he looks down, catching his breath as I see him fighting the urge to lose himself completely. When he looks back at me, there's utter defeat in his eyes. “You keep telling me I can go, but what would happen if I did? You think I could go on with my life with your blood on my conscience? The fear I carry around with me every day, every single fucking day, is more than you could ever dream of. You think this is hard for you, Danny? Try stepping in my shoes. You have no idea what this feels like.”
I whimper pathetically. “I don't want to hurt you.”
“Yeah, well, you're doing a really great job at that, aren't you?”
What am I supposed to say to that? I claw at my thoughts, trying to find a way to fix what I've done. But I can't think of one. I can't think of anything at all. And so I do the cowardly thing. I look away from him and wipe my eyes.
“I have my interview today.”
“Yeah.” The emptiness in his voice...I can't take it.
“I'd...I'd best get going.”
“Yeah.”
I lean in to kiss him, but he flinches. I feel my soul crush, but I do my hardest to contain the pain. I edge my way around him, but stop in the doorway.
“I love you,” I say over my shoulder, and leave before he has a chance to answer
****************************
A/N - Okay, so, since I missed yesterday, I'm going to post another chapter for you now. This is my all time favourite chapter. I don't know why. But it just is. I suppose because this is really the beginning of the end, where everything just falls apart. Take from that what you will and let me know in the comments below. Nearly 5000 reads now. It's just incredible. You're all so great. I really mean that. Please keep doing what you're doing. You make me feel all squishy. Vote, comment, do your thing. Much love x
YOU ARE READING
Dead Man Walking (Glanny Fic)
FanfictionHe's lost his way. He can't find his way back. Violence and cruelty rule his life, and Danny O'Donoghue doesn't know whether he can ever go back to the way he used to be. Half of the time, he loves this new person that he's become. But the part of h...
