Shadows to Stages

26 January 2016

Dear diary,

Scott is trying to get me back so much. I get it that he wants me back but I can't forgive him. I was practicing in the other classroom by myself. I just wanted to be alone. No distractions. I was practicing my point solo. I was thinking of doing it for internationals but I wanted to do something BIG.

I was practicing and the whole concept of this dance is...pretty much what's happened between me and Scott and I'm stuck between two decisions. To forgive or forget. Usually when I dance I feel better but I feel so much worse. Scott walked past. Great. I continued praying he would walk off. He stayed and watched until I was finished. He came over and grabbed my dance bag. I said 'Can I help you?' He said 'What's up?' I really didn't want to see him. 'Here I wanna show you something.' He said guiding me to the bench. I pushed his arm off my back and sat down myself. I don't need someone to help me sit down. He played a song and started to dance. It was thoughtful and it was sweet. I started to loosen up a bit during the dance. He came up and was on one knee. I stood up and so did he. He said 'Bella can you please forgive me? That dance was for you, everything I did its for you.' I started to smile. Then Sasha came in. She walked right up to Scott and put her arms around him. She said 'Oh did I ruin something?' What she did next destroyed me. She walked round and kissed him. She kissed my boyfriend and the bad thing is he didn't pull away. I stormed pasted them.

I started feeling waterfalls flooding from my eyes. He ran up to me and grabbed my shoulder and turned me around. He saw me crying. 'Scott listen I'm still not over what you said and what you did now made it even harder. You know you nearly got me back but you have now lost me.' I was screaming at him. He said 'Bella that was nothing she kissed me, I didn't kiss her. You are the one girl I want, no one else compares to you.' I said 'Yeah but you didn't pull away so obviously you enjoyed that didn't you. You ruined something really special Scott.' Sasha came out 'You know I could just leave.' I said 'No you stay.' Scott said 'Bella' 'No Scott, we're over.' I walked down the hall and Scott of course ran after me. I started to pick up some speed and he wouldn't stop. I shouted 'Don't you get it. We're over. Leave me alone.' I honestly wanted to leave so I checked myself out of school and walked out. To my surprise it was raining. It always rains when bad things happen. School wasn't finished yet so I had no idea what to do. I walked in the rain trying to forget Scott and float away. The rain started getting heavier and it honestly didn't bother me.

I walked to the skate park where we filmed the music video. I don't know why I came here. Maybe because no one was around. I didn't want people noticing me. I kept raining and didn't stop. I was receiving thousands of texts from Abigail and Maya saying 'Where are you? We've been looking for you all day' and 'can you please reply, did something happen.' I decided to text them back but only this time. I sent a broken heart emoji (💔) and only that. I didn't want to talk to anyone else today. I want it to be me, myself and I.

It was getting late and I was getting cold and weak. I looked at my phone and saw it was 8:20pm. My mam I knew was going to be worried of course. I felt weak and sleepy. I felt.....empty. I could feel myself floating away but I tried to keep myself awake. This was all Scott's fault. If he hadn't gone and said what he said and kissed Sasha I wouldn't be stuck out here. I could feel my eyes closing but I couldn't open them again. Right before they closed I heard 'She's here, I found her. Bella, Bella can you hear me? No no no, Bella stay with me, come on. Be strong.' Everything went black. I felt nothing. I said in my mind 'this is the end world. Goodbye.'