Justin's Journal~

June 22nd, 2016

                              For the past few months I've been having recurring dreams about an old friend of mine, a childhood friend who I've actually grown to have a crush on. And just to give you an idea about how much he's affected me, let me show you in a message I sent to a friend of mine:

                            "  I cant get him out of my mind, its gotten to the point where I'm dreaming about him now. Like last night, I dreamt that me and him were talking on the grass and I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek and he said I was so sweet. I woke up, but I didn't want to, I feel asleep again just hoping I would dream about him again. He was literally the only thought on my mind as I closed my eyes and sure enough, I did. I dreamt that I was walking into my kitchen and when I saw him my heart skipped a beat and I smiled, I asked if he wanted to stay for dinner and I cant remember what happened after that but I woke up for the final time. I tried falling asleep one more time but then mom came back in so I had to stay awake. Its just, I haven't felt like this for a long time, and I just *sigh* i know I'm setting myself up for heart ache because there's no way he'd fall for me, but just the small thought of it is enough for me, and it just fuels me. Surprised to say, i might have fallen harder for L then I did for you. And I fell for you harder than anyone before.... "

                                 I sent this to Sweetie obviously, and yes, I haven't fallen for anyone harder than I ever did for her, until now that is. It's just, I don't know what to do. I mean, I have fallen for him, harder than her or anyone before him, but this might just be the one I don't go after. I'm almost 100% he's probably straight, no chance of him being gay or bi, and as heart breaking as it is to realize, it still doesn't turn me away. And keep in mind, I haven't told him. In fact a lot of my older friends that I haven't talked to after 10th grade, they don't even know. It pains me but I just don't want to be that one guy who ends up ruining a good standing friendship by being attracted to their straight male friend. I love him, but jeopardizing losing him over a crush I have, it just isn't worth it to me. I just can't do it, because it's one thing to reject the notion in your head yourself, but it's entirely different to have THEM reject you. I don't think I could put myself through that because then I don't think I'd ever want to be in love again, especially with a man. I just don't want to put myself in that situation. 

Anyways my crazy non existent love life aside, it's been pretty chill these past few months. Nothing much really happening.

So I'm gonna say good night old friend, and talk soon,

-- J