Justin's Journal~

September 26th, 2016

                  Well well well, it's been quite a long time since I've written here. It seems like I just didn't have much of anything to say. Well, today I do. I think I might need to go back to Dr. James. If you don't know which I probably haven't mentioned on here, I used to go to a therapist named Dr. James. He was a Grief Counselor and I went to him to try and get a grasp on my emotions. Well the reason I think I need to go back to him is that I can't cry. I know, it doesn't seem like much and I should probably brush it off, but it's serious to me. Last night, a friend of mine was so distraught she called me and was crying badly. The situation was bad to begin with and we didn't know if it would get better at that moment, but whenever I heard her crying, I couldn't. I couldn't cry tears of sadness. The tears just stopped at my eyes, its like they were trying so hard to come running down but they couldn't. I even tried to force it but it wouldn't come down. The last time I remember crying was during the summer, yelling at my sister. But those weren't tears of sadness, they were tears of anger and extreme passion. Thinking back on it, I think it might all connect back to Summer 2010. When dad passed I cried a lot the first day and at the funeral, but after that I think I might have built a defense. Like I built a dam to keep the waters from flooding over. Its like a defense mechanism against feeling sadness and crying, because I couldn't afford to. None of us could, my family and I all had to pull our shit together and push through it. Well, that's all for right now friend, I'll talk to you later, ok?

-- J