Too Bad to Die [The Outsiders fanfiction]

8. Don't Bleed Don't Break Don't Show

Sorry it's taken me so long to update! I have had a lot of insecurity about my writing lately and a lot of insecurity in general. Here is a chapter I'm unsure about posting. 

TRIGGER WARNING: child abuse and a panic attack. 

This hurt me to write. 

Also, if you are getting abused, please seek help. Don't believe the awful things your abuser tells you. Don't believe you deserve it. Believe that you deserve to get out of your situation. Please, please, please, don't let yourself get hurt. 

Also trigger warnings for the rest of the story: Dally is suicidal (as you know from the book). So if you are sensitive to child abuse, self-harm, depression, or suicidal thoughts in stories, please turn back now. 

Anyway, on with the story~

"Johnny!"

As soon as he heard his name like that, he knew his father was drunk. Incidentally, he knew he'd be wearing long sleeves for the next two weeks.

It was sharp and he was already shaking. He didn't want to look at the door, because when it slammed open he just might cry. Drinking wasn't the only reason Johnny's dad hit him, but it was the most common. The other times it's my fault, he thought, I deserve it anyway.

Just remember you deserve it.

Take it like a man.

Take it like a man and don't be weak and don't cry.

Johnny heard his father's footsteps, closer, heavy, dragging. He stifled hysteria. Save me, he thought. Please. I can't- I can't do this again- I can't.

He'd have to anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Johnny clamped his lips shut and tried not to make a sound. Blood was a familiar taste and he swallowed some of it. It would be over faster if he didn't cry, didn't show weakness, didn't bleed.

He breathed through his nose. He hoped it wasn't obvious that he'd breathed. He would not cry. He would not cry. He was strong. He was strong. He was nothing.

Johnny couldn't help it. He choked back tears, choked on his own blood.

"What was that, you little shit?"

Johnny was grabbed by his collar. He couldn't breathe. His father's eyes were dark, like Johnny's own, but they were beady and cruel. Johnny had seen this look, this razorblade look, too many times. It was the look of punishment.

"N-n-othi-ing." Johnny squeaked.

"And what are you?" Mr. Cade shook Johnny like a rag doll.

"Nothing." Johnny said. "I'm nothing."

Worthless trash greaser hood stupid unlovable pet weak victim punching bag filthy defective f-

"And what do you want?" Johnny's father's breath smelled just like the fragments of glass on the floor, the ones it would be Johnny's job to clean up later.

Johnny closed his eyes. No tears. No, tears. No.

The list was long and anything on it would kill Johnny to say. "Nothing..." He said instead.

His father dropped him. Lights flickered past Johnny's eyes, a bomb exploded in his head. It hurt so much don't cry don't cry..."Don't bleed on the floor."