a day in the life of Adele

Chapter 12

Somehow, I gathered enough strength to put Angelo to bed. He didn't seem confused by Simon's abrupt exit at all.

As soon as I knew my sweet baby was asleep, I returned to my room. I was emotionally exhausted. It was a feeling I had never had before. Heartbreak, exhaustion, grief, confusion, and fear. It was like I was grieving his death.

Many times, I grabbed my phone and hoped he had tried to call me. But I got nothing.

All night, I kept thinking about him. I would fall apart and cry for hours, then in a moment of clarity, I would remember the man on the beach.

A gentle, charming man who rescued me from the depths of heartbreak. The man who showed me I could be in love again. He was the one who dried all my tears, celebrated my success, calmed my worries, and held me in times of distress.

I replay those moments where he would tell me he loved me. What changed his mind?

Those times where we would be worried or stressed-we always got through it. Always.

When Angelo was born, Simon cried tears of joy with me. I really knew in that moment that this was it. This was the man I was going to spend my entire life with.

Calmly, I would reassure myself that he would come back. I convinced myself that he would remember all our times of joy and the fact that we had a child together, and he would turn around and come crawling back.

On one occasion during the night, I drifted off to sleep. I had a vivid dream of someone knocking on the door. When I opened it, Simon walked in and kissed me. He apologised and told me it would never happen again.

Then I woke up.

Around 4:00, I decided I couldn't take this anymore. I couldn't bear to lay in this bed, surrounded by his smell and all the memories we had shared in this room. Every time I would stop crying and tell myself it would all be ok, I would reach my arm over his side of his bed, expecting him to be lying there peacefully.

Instead, my arm falls onto a cold, empty spot where he was just 12 hours ago.

Opening his drawers, his scent forms a cloud around me. It almost mocks me, reminding me that the only thing I have left of him is his scent.

And our child.

I walk over to Angelo's room, grabbing a pillow and a blanket. Seeing his peaceful face while he sleeps reassures me.

This is all I have left. Angelo is the only person keeping me sane right now.

I take his little hand and hold onto it. His hand is warm, just like Simon's.

I cry silently, trying so hard not to wake Angelo up.

At a certain point, I fall asleep on the floor, right next to his crib. I let go of his hand. The last thing I remember is wiping away a tear that was traveling down my neck. Then I was out.

+

The soft voice of Angelo wakes me up. "Mummy?" He asks.

Drowsy from lack of sleep, I say, "Yeah, baby?"

"Why are you in here?"

For a second, I don't know why I'm in here. What happened? Why do I have such a bad headache? Where's Si-

My heart drops.

I look into Angelo's innocent, calm face and almost lose it. I choke back my sadness and hug him.

"I was scared last night, so I slept in here."

"Why were you scared?"

"I just didn't want to sleep by myself."

"Oh. Well you can always sleep in my room, mummy."

I nod with deep sorrow in my eyes and in my heart.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to go on. Do I erase Simon from my memory? Do I ignore him and move on, hoping he comes back to see Angelo? Should I initiate a conversation and call him? Should I tell Laura or my mum?

I do the only thing I can. Taking Angelo downstairs, I make him breakfast and sit him down at the table. While he eats, I call Laura.

In case I break down, I make sure to go into the bathroom so Angelo doesn't see me cry.

"Hello?" Her calm voice answers.

"Laura, I need your help." My voice cracks again.

Her tone becomes urgent. "Are you ok?"

"Simon left me." Saying it makes it even more real and I can't choke back my emotions anymore.

She hears me crying and tells me she will be right over. I hear her hang up.

Looking at myself in the mirror, I see an unfamiliar person. My eyes are red and puffy, my entire face is splotchy and red from all the crying. I have dark circles under my eyes from staying up all night. My head hurts and my hair is a mess.

I can't let myself look like such a wreck. Somehow, I travel upstairs and take a shower.

I wash my face and hair, and let the warm water run down my back. It feels so good.

Then I see Simon's body wash and bawl again.

Stop this! Be strong.

I finish showering and feel the smallest bit better, if that was even possible.

I blow-dry my hair and brush it so it looks less like a bird's nest and more like hair.

In fifteen minutes, I am dressed and downstairs to check on Angelo. My head still hurts, I need to do something about that.

I down two big glasses of cold water and my headache fades away. I must have been dehydrated from all the crying.

A knock on the door sends Angelo running.

He reaches for the doorknob and is disappointed when he sees he's too short to reach it.

I open it and see Laura. She looks alarmed. Angelo yells, "Aunt Laura!" She hugs him. Satisfied, he returns to his toys in the living room.

Laura looks into my broken eyes and knows exactly how I feel. She grabs me and hugs me tight.

"I miss him!" I cry into her shoulder.

She rubs her hand up and down my back, and says, "I know. I know. We'll figure something out."

But we both know it's easier said than done.