a day in the life of Adele

Chapter 14

Swallowing down a thousand emotions, I say, "Hi Simon."

There is a tense silence. Was I supposed to say something?

"I got your message." He breaks the silence.

"Well, thank you for calling back."

How could someone I had spent the past five years with seem so distant and unfamiliar to me? I was unsure of what to say to him, for the first ever.

"I need to explain." He says, sounding tired.

"Then explain."

"I can't do it over the phone. Can you meet me somewhere?"

"Does our house sound like a fair place?" I say, with inadvertent sass.

"I don't know if I can come back." He says, sounding shy.

"Of course you can. I'm not going to hurt you."

"I know that, but I..." He seems oddly hesitant.

"You what?"

"Nevermind, I'll be there in ten minutes."

"Ok." I say, and hang up quickly. I don't know why I am so eager to end that conversation after being so eager for him to call me back.

Ten minutes. That's all I have to prepare. I'm already dressed though, so what preparation is there to do?

Emotional preparation. After three endless days of crying and being afraid, he drops this on me. After leaving me heartbroken and lost for three whole days, he gives me ten minutes to prepare to see him again and to face my emotions.

I can't do this. I can't.

What if he yells at me? What if he decides this is it, that he's leaving for good? What if this was his way of telling me why he had left and then he would tell me that he didn't want to see me ever again?

I remind myself that we have a child together, and that was going to keep us together forever, no matter what. I can't figure out if this brings me comfort or even more fear.

While I am lost in my own sadness, fear, and thoughts, the door clicks open. My heart is about to pound through my chest.

He walks in as if he lives here. For a second, I get angry because of it, but then I remember it's his place as much as it is mine.

The majority of me wants to lunge into his arms and have him tell me it's ok.

But the man in front of me isn't the man I remember falling in love with.

Until he bursts into tears.

In his moment of weakness and vulnerability, I forget about all the pain I was just put through and see the Simon that I knew and loved.

A charismatic, caring, strong and comforting man who would do anything for his loved ones.

Without hesitation, I put my hand on his back and guide him to sit on the couch.

Through sobs, he says, "I'm so sorry, Adele. I didn't mean to call you a liar. I needed something to be mad at, another reason for leaving. You have never lied to me. I'm so, so sorry."

I don't know what to say to him. Before I can say anything, he begins talking again, this time composed.

"Before you came home that night, I was cleaning out the closet when I found a piece of paper, specifically a letter, on the floor. It must have fallen out of your coat or something, which led me to believe it had been written recently. I recognised it's writing immediately. It was yours. Just read it, then I'll explain."

I unfold the wrinkled piece of paper and see my handwriting sprawled all over it.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for. I need to grow up a bit more. I thought I had grown up in this relationship and finally found the love of my life. We have done so much together and have been so committed, that I am really lost and confused. But I can't tell him that. It wouldn't end nicely. He really is lovely- kind, gentle, smart, generous and forgiving. He's made me so happy. But he isn't the one I'm looking for. I love him so much, I really do, but I can't picture my future with him. I see myself with a different guy, one that is more my type, one that allows me to have a passionate, mature relationship. I'm writing this in the hopes that I will read it back one day, and by that time, I will have found the man I need. Until then, I must keep looking.

Adele x

I smile to myself. That's so odd. It breaks my heart to read this now. I HAVE found that man. But I'm not sure he feels the same way.

Turning to face him, I see his his eyes. His beautiful blue eyes. I can tell he is broken inside, and I can't place why.

"Babe, you know this isn't about you, right?"

"I..." He manages, then bursts into tears again. "I don't know that for sure."

I don't interrupt him or speak. I just sit there with my arm around him, trying to comfort him. To be comforting someone who has comforted me so many times makes me feel warm inside after being so cold. But he's not himself, he's lost, and that breaks my heart all over again.

"Reading that made me realise that maybe I'm not worthy to be with you. I got scared after I read it. I tried to figure myself out. I thought I knew who I was, but I freaked myself out and thought that maybe I don't know who I am. Maybe I could be better. Maybe I'm not good enough. I left you, because I needed to sort it all out. I needed to get away and just listen to myself and see who I really am. But I've got nothing out of these days away. All I have is confusion and sadness. I have remembered all the moments I have with you and I see how beautiful of a person you are and how big your heart is..." He loses his breath and has to breathe for a second before he continues. "I think you're right. I'm not worthy. When you called me, I immediately thought back to a time when you asked me to promise you that we'd be together until the end of time. I promised you we would. And as I sat there in a hotel room, by myself, I realised I broke my promise. And that proved that I'm not good enough. That proved that I am the exact person I was afraid of becoming."

I have never seen him like this. He was never this broken and lost. I needed to help him.

"Simon, I wrote that a few weeks before I broke up with Jake. I promise. You are the one I'm looking for. You're the guy that I saw in my future and I'm so glad I've found you. You are everything I've ever wanted in a man and even more. I love you so much, Simon. I can't imagine my life without you. Angelo needs you. I need you. We're a family, and nothing will change that."

"I know that. I love you more than you could ever know, Adele. I believe that you wrote that about someone else, but I don't believe you about me being the one you're looking for."

He stands up, and makes his way to the door. Before he leaves again, he turns around and hugs me hard. He is crying. Through his tears, he says, "I need to go spend some more time away, ok? I need to think about all this. I'll come back, though, ok? Ok." He doesn't let me speak.

And just like that, he's gone again. All I have now is the hug he just gave me and an explanation. But I'm just as heartbroken as I was when he left three days ago.