a day in the life of Adele

Chapter 21

September 30, 2011

It's been a rough year. And it's been getting progressively worse.

Even though my new album is doing surprisingly well, I am still so lost and heartbroken inside. Every time I return home from being with a few thousand people at a show, I feel so lonely.

Several months have passed since my breakup. He's moved on, he's engaged. I mean nothing to him anymore.

But I can't seem to let go. Maybe it's not about him, maybe it's the security he brought to me. Maybe it's because I'm afraid of being single.

My emotions come in waves. I'll have good days, sometimes even consecutively, and then I'll have bad days, also sometimes consecutively. There hasn't been a pattern, it just depends on what I do that day.

Today, particularly, has been one of the worst days. I've stayed in my house all day, haven't answered texts from anybody, haven't called my mum, I haven't even got dressed. I didn't see the point if I wasn't going anywhere.

So here I am, sitting on my couch, in the dark of night. Tissues surround me. The credits from the movie "You've Got Mail" are rolling down the screen.

I'm still crying.

"What are you doing with yourself, Adele? At this rate, you're never going to find someone." I begin speaking out loud to myself.

Bringing myself up off the couch, I go to the back patio and lean against the railing, looking up at the open sky of stars.

Somebody out there is just as lonely as I am. They're probably staring at the same stars, wondering if they'll ever make it through their despair.

For some odd reason, the thought brings me comfort. Specifically because it makes me feel less lonely than I already am.

My phone rings. It's a number I don't recognise. I ignore it, just like I've ignored all the other calls and texts I've received today.

I felt a bit crazy, having all these dreams for my personal life and not fulfilling any of them. I wanted to have kids, get married, have a wedding. All of it seemed so unrealistic now.

A shooting star flashes across the black sky, bringing me the smallest bit of hope. Maybe the person on the other side of the sky of stars saw it too.

Eventually, I get tired and just go back inside. I reluctantly shower, letting the warm water be my only comfort. Then I lay down in a cold, empty bed, by myself. It's heartbreaking. But it's become my new normal.

I lay alone in bed, asking myself the same questions I've asked myself thousands of times. I still didn't have an answer to any of them.

What if I did something differently? Should I have told him how much he meant to me more? Should we have been more mature in our relationship? What did I say that was so wrong? What could have changed for the better? What if I tried harder to fight for him?

What if you just move on, Adele?!

I end up crying myself to sleep.

+

Thank goodness Simon came into my life a month later, or else I could have taken a turn for the worst.

It's funny remembering those times now. I really want to hug 23-year-old Adele. I want to dry her tears and tell her everything will be alright, and that the pain will be so worth it in the end. Then I would tell her she was going to have a beautiful baby boy and an amazing husband. I would show her the ring.

The ring! Every time I remember I have one now, my stomach becomes butterflies of happiness and excitement.

It's going on 3:00 in morning now, and I am feeling extremely restless. There's so much on my mind, and for the first time in a while, it's a good feeling.

I'm emotionally and physically exhausted after crying so much and feeling so happy, on top off playing around all day at the beach.

Simon is sleeping away. He fell asleep as soon as he laid down. But he didn't forget to brush up next to me with his arm around my body, protecting me.

Tonight, it brings me to tears. I lay my left hand over his own, and the diamond sparkles from the stream of moonlight coming in from an opening in the curtains. I probably won't ever get over the gratitude and love it brings me to see it.

Getting frustrated because I can't sleep, I roll over so that I am facing Simon's face. He grunts a bit, which makes me laugh. It's thankfully quiet enough that it doesn't wake him up.

Somewhat creepily, I watch him sleep. I study his face. His strong features and soft curly hair. I see him for who he is as a person- a kind, generous, honest, down-to-earth, real, loving and selfless man.

Anybody who simply knows him is lucky, but I'm going to get to call him my husband soon.

The reality of it all hits me and I burst into happy tears-again.

Simon wakes up this time.

When he sees that I am crying, he asks, "Babe, was it something I said?" He has an extremely tired and deep voice that I could listen to all day.

I can't help but laugh. "No, it's alright. I'm just so happy."

He makes a satisfied noise and kisses my cheek. Then he closes his blue eyes. In a few seconds, he is back to sleep.

There have been times in my life when I break down and think to myself how lucky I am to have what I have.

But tonight, after remembering the immense pain of heartbreak I know all too well, it's a different kind of break down.

It's like all my other happy break downs are coming into one: the time I cried when I had Angelo, when I cried after Simon told me he loved me the first time, when I cried on all three of Angelo's birthdays, among many other times.

I was an emotional person and there was no sense in denying it.

Now I'm crying because I can finally tell myself that I'll never get my heart broken again. Simon and I were about to become a married couple. There was nothing that could break our bond.

"Goodbye, heartbreak and temporary relationships. Hello, love and marriage." I say out loud.

"What?" Simon says, waking up again.

"Nothing, go back to sleep." I respond, stifling my laugh.

I close my eyes, feeling Simon's body next to me and his arm around me.

I'm going to be his wife.